Dear Terri

Since you are basically the only person who reads this I figure I’d just speak to you directly.

Since Mr Shann started working  I think my head has spun in a thousand different directions, yet, I’ve managed to stay sane which is far more than some people I know and love are able to do right now. His actual work hours arent ridiculous but the drive home kind of is as it takes him a half hour longer because apparently everyone else is also trying to get home too. It doesn’t bother him like it bothers me so I need to probably get over myself because I dont have to drive in it. It’s just still an issue trying to get into a new routine after a half a year with him being home all the time, so when he comes rolling in after 6 and we have had dinner without him and are about to pass out from the days troubles, I have to somehow muster up a fifteenth wind for him. It’s tough, and I have little to no empathy from anyone around me because apparently, if I would just not do anything else I have going on (like babysitting the twins before work and taking them to school, taking my daughter to work, making cakes two of the three by the way, bring in extra income for me so I dont see what the problem is) I wouldn’t have to get up 5 hours before I have to be at work in order to get my chores, baking and decorating done before the kids get to the house and I have to get myself ready.

My plate is heavy. My hands are full. I am tired. But I am not complaining. I’m really not. It’s just a lot. It’s a lot and it doesn’t help that I am juicing again which is probably why I am able to get through these days so well. Today my sister told me that she feels bad for me not being able to eat food but happy for me that I’m losing weight again. I feel bad for me not being able to eat food too haha I think about eating tacos all day long. I am eating dinner which is the meal before your body sleeps and has the longest amount of time between meals so that’s good. I am eating I’m just not eating three full food meals a day like before and truth be told, if I’m going to sit at a desk all day it’s probably okay so long as I’m not sick and weak and near death….

 

Right?

Kids and Doctors

Yesterday I had to take my oldest child to her cardiologist to find out if she will be cleared for surgery on her knee she so desperately needs due to a torn meniscus. Much to our surprise the doctor said that her valve, even though it’s 12 years old, should be good for another 3-5 years and she is cleared for surgery. I dont know why we were surprised. We have such little faith sometimes its ridiculous. I mean, we would have been fine if she needed surgery so to find out she’s good was a very pleasant surprise and we are very thankful.

Once I got off work I took my youngest son to get his firs sports physical. I did not tell him about the part where they check for a hernia because I didnt want him to back out of the appointment for something so stupid. So imagine his shock when the doctor told him to pull down his pants to his thighs, he was SO confused. Thankfully, the PA who was doing the exam was very cool about it and he explained what a hernia was, what it would feel like, where it would be noticeable and what the procedure was going to be like, step by step. I was really impressed with his bedside manner as I listened to the conversation with my back turned and I was looking at the wall behind me, so when my son was asked again to pull down his pants to his thighs and he didn’t, I wasn’t sure what the hesitation was about and then I heard it. The phrase he and I will NEVER forget and probably ALWAYS laugh about for the rest of our lives.

Come on now son, we’re both men here. Lets get the pants down and get this done. So long as you want to be active in sports this is going to always be required so you may as well just get it over with now.

Man, once it was done and I turned back around and made eye contact with my son who looked like he was going to burst into tears, I did the first thing I could to change the mood and asked, ” are you traumatized”? He laughed and said “yeah, I need to go home and eat away my trauma”.

We laughed over and over about the “Come on now son, we’re both men here” and he remembered when in Blackish, Anthony Anderson’s character had to get a prostate exam and he said to the doctor” at least buy me dinner first”, and he laughed and laughed about how the next time he has to get a sports physical that is what he is going to say to the doctor. What a memory.

 

6 months later

He was unemployed about 6 months to the day and Monday he goes to Salt Lake City for training for the job he finally was offered and accepted. When I look back on the blog I wrote a month after he was laid off I see the job he was offered is pretty much what we were praying he would get but it’s probably better because Creator God sees the bigger picture in this and I’m sure there are more reasons this is the right job for James that we aren’t even aware of yet and for all of this I am grateful.

In the week he’s been employed it feels like our son miraculously grew up and I find my mind being blown at the choices he’s making and the vision and plans he’s had for himself coming to pass. For a kid who never wanted to do organized sports to ask us to take him to get a sports physical so he can do track with school, I scratch my head wondering what the heck happened? In the grand scheme of things, one of the requirements for Air Force Academy is leadership classes which he’s had in ASB. He also needed to enroll in AFROTC which God has miraculously provided the school an amazing man whose family we are very fond of, to be the new Instructor at the High School when for the last few years they hadn’t one.  Now he is going to go out for track with a couple of his friends which is something he’s always frowned upon every time we’ve tried to get him interested in school sports because we KNEW he needed them for college acceptance.

It’s just funny the way things work out sometimes you know?

Today I am taking my oldest daughter to see her cardiologist for results on her echo-cardiogram and treadmill tests she had done a few weeks ago. They are thinking she needs to have her pulmonary heart valve replaced again as it’s well over 12 years old, which is fine. We kind of expected this was going to happen and needed to know it was necessary so that she could get the treatment she needs on her torn meniscus. This girl is stronger than any woman I’ve ever known it amazes me. So I guess I’ll be back tomorrow for that update if anyone is interested. I’m not on facebook right now for Lent again and I’m seriously hating it and failing terribly. I’m struggling with the whole “doing it out of obligation” which makes it feel legalistic and the whole point of it all is being lost in unnecessary legalities. I’ve gone from one form of social media to another and have been caught up in the mess that is Twitter which is basically way worse. People are so vile and sad, it’s crazy.

So I guess as I work through this time of disconnecting and regrouping I will probably just utilize this blog and talk to myself through it a bit. I’ve always had this kind of outlet and I’m not sure what else to do. Perhaps that is what I’m suppose to be learning right now. Blogging, Vlogging, and Tweeting are an alright earthly avenue to vent out lifes ridiculousness, but when I have the actual throne of God through Christ to lay all of this down to, the other avenues are just irrelevant.

 

Hmmm.

I’ll need to soak that in a bit.

Praying for Better

It occurred to me this morning that I am not in the habit of asking God for more than I already have or for more than I truly need. It seems crazy too because I grew up in a name it and claim it prosperity church so  you’d think I’d be all over that but I’m not, I’ve never been. Somehow I’ve always had the understanding that God isn’t some cosmic genie that gives me whatever I want regardless of whether it’s what I need. Of course there were times Gods given me what I want knowing exactly it wasn’t what I needed and I’ve learned to use wisdom concerning such things because they just get me into trouble and I end up crawling back to Him apologetically.  So with the husband not working now almost a full 2 months and seeing him begin to become discouraged and my private meltdowns becoming more frequent, I realize that my faith in Jesus, while just as strong as it’s always been, has kind of entered a different phase.

I know without a doubt that He’s got something planned for James and I know that the job he is suppose to have is out there. I know that even though Christmas is just weeks away and the fact that I am financially strapped like I’ve never been for Christmas is bringing me to a humility that I simply cant stand to bare, even though I will. I may cry like a baby about it(even as I type this) but it’s in this time that I feel even more loved by the Lord because I know that He would never allow His kids to be pruned in such a way if something so fruitful and bountiful was going to become of it. Whether that is financial or spiritual or both it doesn’t matter because I know that His word says that all of this will work together for His glory when it’s all said and done and I’m working through it. But I got to thinking. Perhaps this time, maybe I could ask God not just for James to find a job, but that James would find “the” job. The job that would really change things up in our lives. The job that would allow us to be able to live financially more abundant than we have ever been because I never go there, I never have asked Him for that I’ve just asked He provide James with a job.

So I started making my “List of things Lord, that I’d like James to find in a job” because I know that I am not one to ever ask God for things specifically, mostly because I often times dont feel like I deserve them, and maybe I dont. But just as I love my kids and when Ethan asks us for things, whether he deserves them or just wants them, I love to be able to give them to him because I love him and my adult kids. So why wouldnt God want us to come to Him in the same way our kids come to us?

I cant help but wonder if I actually sat down and said,

Father God, as you have us in this stupid situation AGAIN, and we know that you are going to carry us through this mess. And that we can stand in full faith that you have allowed us to be brought to this place of humility AGAIN, for reasons we dont really understand. Can I please ask that you hear my spoken words to you and not just assume you will accept the wishes and desires I keep silent in the shallows of my heart. Regarding the job and the outcome of this time,  I’d like to see some things unfold because of the job you are going to allow James to find. I know that I am very reluctant to ask you for more than I think we deserve or more than we really even need but for whatever reason, I feel like I need to and want to speak clearly and openly to you just what it is that I would like James to find in a job. Because for some reason I feel like perhaps if I actually asked you specifically what kind of job I’d like to see James get this time around, maybe you would decide you’d like to see that happen for us too. So here it goes.

 I’d like James to find a job that for the first time in our lives would allow us to be able to live in such a way that we wouldn’t have to live paycheck to paycheck. I’d like him to have a job that actually enables us to be able to put all of my earnings, and maybe even some of his,  into savings because he will make enough money to easily provide for everything our household needs, and then some. I would like James to have a job that has health insurance, PPO health insurance, that may cost him just like it always has but that the cost wouldn’t even make a dent in his income every week. I would like James to have a job that sees in him his potential and appreciates his work ethic and that he wouldn’t dread going to every day. I’d like James to have a job that really is somewhere he can spend the rest of his working days until retirement and live comfortably all the while being able to save up for Ethan to go to college or save money for our retirement so that we dont have to work until we’re 80. Lord, I really want James to get that job that will allow us to not have to struggle anymore. I feel like we’re always those people who have to scrape by and cant ever get ahead and while I know monetary things in this life arent a main goal, it would just be nice for him to make enough money that we wouldn’t have to  wish we had enough money to remodel our kitchen that’s falling apart or install a new floor so we arent walking on painted concrete anymore, or be able to afford to go on a family vacation maybe with all of our kids sometime, that experiences could be had because we could afford to occasionally have them. These are the things that I hope would come of the job you are going to allow James to have Lord. Please let him have this for not just us but also for himself because I know he would be so proud to be able to provide a more productive life for us. 

I’m not really sure how that even sounds and I almost feel bad for asking for “just a bit more” than we have ever had. I know it’s just as easy for God to be like, mmmm nah that’s not that plan I have for you, and that’s fine I guess. It would just be nice if this time, with this job, He felt like it would be okay to let us have the rest of our adult lives financially overflowing so that we could comfortably live out the rest of our days and then be able to leave some for our kids when we go home. I’d like to be able to have that. I can only hope He’d like that for us too.

 

With these, we will be content

I know I said last I wrote, that I was planning on waiting until AFTER the election to meltdown and I truly intended to stick with the plan. Maybe it was the change in time or just my mind messing with me but there was something that caused me to wake up with severe anxiety on Sunday morning followed by a full blown break down. I cried and cried and battled feelings that I KNOW aren’t true and as much as I tried to get it together and continue to get ready for church I just could not make the tears stop.

I keep remembering all the times I had reluctantly said during our community group during prayers and praise reports, that I had very little to personally ask for prayer for and followed it up with “I know I probably shouldn’t even say that because we have been SO fortunate to have not been tried and stretched for a while“. I said that more than once and I think back now and want to kick myself as we’re entering the third full week of my husband being unemployed (thats the big secret). Now, I knew when I went to get the biopsies done on some questionable moles that there was a chance he would be laid off on the 15th due to the contract expiring and not being renewed at the base, which also meant that I would probably lose my insurance at the end of October, but I needed to get the biopsies done anyway. What I didn’t know was that a week after my health insurance coverage would be lost, I would find out that the mole on my back came back abnormal and that further excision would be necessary.

piss

My immediate reaction was to cry, and I did. And not even because I’m afraid of melanoma (even though my mother just had a malignant mass and lymph nodes removed from her body) I’m not afraid of cancer, fuck cancer. I cry because I question “Why God”. WHY the hell now this? The doctors office said that they don’t take HMO insurance so if I’m able to get it through my employer, it’s not going to matter because I wont even be able to go back there. I will get to go and get my reports from them and go find some idiot primary care doctor and try to get a referral and go through all that bullshit again, THAT is why I cried. We’re less than 24 hours away from a major election that will have an impact on our lives at our local level as well as a national level and my world is just spinning out of control.

Now, having the faith in Jesus that I do, I know that I have absolutely nothing to fear. I have nothing to worry about, I have nothing to even cry over I suppose. But being the stupid Christian that I am, I want to just crawl into bed and cry. Of course, I remember that horrible migraine I ended up getting yesterday afternoon in the middle of Walmartinez and know that if I pick back up today with my faithless cry baby fit I am going to end up right back there again, so I am working on not doing that.

I know this is all under the control of Creator God and we have been through this before and we will get through it again. But that does NOT mean I’m happy about it, not one bit. The husband just got to my office and I have to tell him about my biopsy. This should be interesting.

Catching up

In 2012 my husband got this ridiculous idea to run for city council and to be honest it’s mostly a blur and seems like it was even longer than 4 years ago, probably because I hated the whole thing and I hate it even more now. I told him that I didn’t want him to run again and when I saw how frustrated he was with my feelings, I prayed about whether I was just being stubborn and selfish and I’m sure God laughed at the idea of me even questioning my feelings immediately upon my first whisper of “Lord Am I being”?

So I put my sinful feelings aside and chose to accept that he was going to embark on this nonsense journey and also take no part of any of it and let him do what he was going to do to woo the locals into entrusting him with a seat on the throne of judgement in our local podunk town. Of course living in a podunk town has it’s downfalls and thanks to the evils of social media and my inability to keep my feelings off my fingers, immediately into the first of several online forums I pissed off a few people with my honesty which is something you aren’t allowed to be apparently when dealing with these uptight phonies, and I knew this! I knew that him getting involved in this was going to mean I had to put a muzzle on it and not speak my mind and I dont now how to do that, really. I’ve gotten better over the last few weeks and I’ve had to like, filter out just about everyone I’m connected with on facebook and it’s so stupid but I’ve done it and I’m sure “they” are pissed at that too and I dont even care. We arent “friends” so labeling them as an acquaintance and not allowing them to see the things I post to my actual “friends” shouldn’t be offensive. You’re nosy, that’s it. And the sinner in me wants to go Ray Donovan on them and tell them to go f*ck themselves because I’m over it.

This years election is going to be a huge disappointment for a good majority of Americans and it’s sad. My husband and I are dealing with a few other personal things that life has handed us that I haven’t publicized (that’s growth) and I really think that while we are surrounded by the members in our community group as the preliminary results come trickling in, I am going to really be challenged to be strong and silent one last time. I’ve been training for it for weeks now so it will be interesting to see how well I do at the final push. Then, once everyone is gone and the house is put back together and everything put away, I can go into my bedroom and settle in to the biggest meltdown imaginable.

 

Hello Friend

I can always count on your being here when my thoughts are too heavy and overflowing for my brain to contain. I’ve thought about checking in just about every day for the last week and have resisted. I have too much to say and most of it I am learning just needs to stay where it is.

I’m learning a lot these days it seems. The other day I caught myself in a moment where someone said they were going to be doing something and it burned within me a tinge of jealousy. I suddenly snapped out of that vile feeling and realized that what they are going to go do is something that I would never do, I would never dream of doing it because it sounds like the worst idea ever, it’s not how I would spend my time and I should have NO reason to feel ugly about what they are choosing to do just because it doesn’t include me.

I can be okay with people doing the things I would never do even if they aren’t doing them with me.

I know it seems like such a silly little thing but it’s something that I have been working diligently on over coming and it’s taken me a long time to get this far. Usually I’m crying in a fit of rage which seems completely uncalled for and I cant make it make sense to anyone, it just is. I felt really good about letting that ugly go as quickly as I did.

I think that’s about it for today.

It’s been 4 years since my friend Joe died.

Feels like it was much longer than that.