Remembering Micah

I was thinking about this blogger I used to follow named Micah Murray who had story after horrible story of experiences he had as he was unknowingly growing up in a “christian cult”. His encounters and situations were just unfathomable and what is crazy is the organization he was involved with my husband was familiar with, in fact, my in laws were very much in favor of that place. I would say I was shocked to discover that but if you knew them like I do, you would understand why I wasn’t.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about him because as I use to read his stories I used to get so frustrated and I eventually became exhausted with his constant rambling and bitching about his experiences and never “wanting” to be freed from them. I was tired of him putting down the church and questioning Gods people and even now, googling him to see what he’s up to and realizing he’s actually making a living off of what I was tired of reading, my heart still grieves that he feels the way he does. The difference today in my frustrations with his bitterness not bitterness is that I am now in a situation where I too am a hot bag of pissed off air regarding Gods people and the church we just left after 10 years, and I kinda get him, and that scares me a little.

I get that it wasn’t a lifetime or anything even remotely close to what Micah went through, but a decade in a small church like ours was could actually feel like one, especially after you walk away from it and realize you can suddenly breathe again. The first Sunday we went to another church with my mom the three of us collectively sighed with complete relief the moment we walked out of those doors. It was so refreshing to know that the Holy Spirit was not confined to the walls of that busted up church we were dying in and it was amazing to feel His presence again.

The details in our experience are pretty common in the churches of north America really. You have an amazing young pastor who inherited a thriving church and had little administrative backing that ended up leaving him burnt out and stepping down leaving behind a broken church with no pastor. In swoops the inexperienced unfriendly “introvert” seminary student who had been chomping at the bit to be the next pastor for years, add in the sin of pride and arrogance within the elders that are collectively destroying that ugly terracotta building and hurting the people they “love” and call family, whats left of them.

There have been more amazing people leave with the change in leadership this time than I ever saw in the last decade. And while we were willing to work through our differences with this man for the sake of our church family, and we tried to sit down a few times to talk through our differences, when he chose to abuse his “authority” and make demands on us the way he did, there was nothing more to work through. He made it very clear it was his way or the highway “In the name of Jesus” and he had his RCA bylaws and elder minions backing up his wicked ways, so we walked. It wasn’t even a hard decision to make either, which made it a thousand times worse. Knowing you have to leave behind the friends you love, the family you have bonded with because of the actions of the one man who is the “pastor” that you will never be able to sit under is so unfair and heart breaking. The worst part is that no one even bothered to find out where the heck we went or what the heck happened and the elders never bothered to mention it to the deacons either, it was just an awful situation all the way around.

So then I catch myself. I catch myself being “a Micah” more now that the dust has settled than ever before because I simply do NOT understand how people that I thought were “family” and were rational people, would be able to excommunicate my family for not taking a knee to the eldership, and it makes me sad, it makes me angry! The body of Christ isn’t suppose to be like this, and while I’m not about to go on a world tour talking shit about them to whoever will listen, and while I will continue to work through my bitterness and be thankful God got us out of that cult like situation, I become more and more empathetic of Micah’s hurt, which is probably why he came to mind so heavily in the last week or so.

I dont understand Micah’s heart, but I do. I dont understand why the church continues to destroy what God created it to protect, but it does. All of this to say, Micah if you stumble upon this, I DO understand now why I found your blog so long ago and I appreciate you for speaking out, I really do. The only thing that makes sense out of ALL of these experiences I believe, is to remind us of how awful we are, how good Jesus is, and how badly we need Him. That should be enough and I am believing I will get there eventually…. but probably not today.

 

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Hello

Checking my stats today and I can see literally ONE person reads my blog. I’m okay with that, evenย  if they arent even a person but a bot.

 

That’s all

Today, I Cried

I honestly wasn’t even sure it were possible anymore and I’d even told the husband “I think I might be broken”. We have been through so much the past month, crying seemed like the natural response to it all and I hadn’t even had so much as a mist fill my eyes. I dont know what was different about today but I was speaking to my mom on the way to work and the dam just broke. And when it did, the questions I’ve been wrestling with suddenly began to make sense, or maybe they just didn’t matter anymore, I’m not sure. But I’ve been trying for weeks to understand how people who I thought were friends and “forever family” would just be able to turn a blind eye to us leaving our church. I mean, why wouldn’t they ask me about it? Why wouldn’t they want to hear MY side of the story? Could they possibly know about the horrible disgusting things that were said to us that led us to the decision to leave? I cant imagine they would know and believe in their hearts what was said by elders was acceptable, no way!!ย  I came to understand this morning that they didn’t want to hear my side and it broke my heart to pieces and as the day got longer, I realized that just a month before this all started going down I felt the same way they did.

I had said “the line” more times then I’d like to admit and I’d said it against my own family. “If these people who oppose him would just leave, the church can start off with a clean slate and just move forward and rebuild”. We’d said it to each other about other people and we’d nod in agreement several times over the last year.ย  Little did I know, I would be one of those people who opposed him and needed to leave so I understand now why they are okay with letting me go without a word, and I should be thankful. God made this all go down in such a beautiful way and even though it hurts so bad, the fact that it was the elders that made it so much easier for us to leave by giving us an ultimatum, I should be thankful, shut up, and walk away, and I will. I guess I just needed to grieve a little and that’s what it feels like happened today.

Now, I move on

 

Fat Head

May 1st was the 9th month anniversary of my weight loss surgery.

  • I have lost 60ish pounds.
  • I started at 238 and am now 175 give or take
  • I have gone from a 16 pants to a 9-10.
  • I have gone from a 2x shirt to a Medium
  • I have gone from a 42D to a 40B

I have done so well with this process. I am eating a mostly plant based diet. I feel better than I ever have in my entire life. I look pretty amazing I’m told albeit loose and wiggley.

I see my clothes and before I put them on every day I’m positive they aren’t going to fit me because every morning I’m positive I’ve gained all my weight back.

I have fat head.

It’s really disturbing and I don’t understand it at all. I’ve been fat my entire life but when I look back on past photos I think “or was I”? Was I really always fat or did I just think I was because I wasn’t as thin as everyone else?

Last week we celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary and I thought it would be fun to try on my wedding dress. I mean, I wasn’t sure it would even fit because I’m “still fat” and all.

It did. It totally did AND it was almost too big. What the heck is wrong with my brain man? I ordered myself some clothes online and purposely got some shorts a size too big “just in case they run small” or I gain all my weight back before I get them ๐Ÿ™„ Now I have to go return them because hello! I’m not a 12 I’m a 10 stupid.

Does this mentality ever change? Should I go see a psychologist or something? I don’t get it and no one I know understands which sucks. Going through this feeling super alone as I sit in my thin skin and smaller clothes ๐Ÿ˜ž I should be much more grateful and so much less selfish.

They didn’t tell me fat head was a side effect of weight loss surgery. There’s many things they forgot to mention when they were signing my check.

From Summer to Christmas

When we went to Alaska this summer I knew I would be having weight loss surgery the week after we came back. I made a vow to take as many photos and not give a crap what they looked like because it was the last time I would look like that.

As I’m going through photos to get developed at low Christmas prices, I find myself having a hard time even looking at the photos of myself let alone wanting to get them printed.

I knew I was having weight loss surgery after we went to Alaska. I just didn’t realize how much different I would end up looking.

I’m pretty sure we need to go back to Alaska and retake all the pictures.

Happy Bariatric Thanksgiving!!

Three days from today is the big day, Thanksgiving. It’s my first major holiday since my surgery and I don’t know what happened but I suddenly felt depression creep in.

How stupid to mourn not being able to be a glutinous fool for a day. I keep thinking about all the Thanksgivings in the past and how I would eat, sleep, poop, repeat. If I got stoned first it was even better because food tastes sooooo much better when you’re loaded.

I have lost 55 pounds. I have had my nutrition labs done and everything looks amazing, my surgeon and doctor were both very happy with my success at 90 days out. I’ve gone from a size 14/16 pants to a 10/12. A size 2X shirt to a Large. My body looks pretty amazing I must say. I have lost so many inches in places I’d never consider “skinny” before and it’s only been 3 months!!!

And yet I’m crying over not being able to eat myself sick one day of the year with everyone else ?

Just let me grieve a little okay? I’m going to stick to my eating limits for sure, but let me be sad while I serve myself a teaspoon of each item I like the most all the while cutting out the Hawaiian rolls on the side. It will probably take me most of the day to eat what I serve myself but I’m going to enjoy every crumb, even if that’s all it is. Crumbs.

๐Ÿ˜ž

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Think of me while you eat yourself sick and you lay around in sweatpants, smothering in your own fat.

That was my favorite โ˜บ๏ธ

Allo!!!

Things have been happening like crazy and today I realized as exhausting all this food nonsense is, tracking and deciding and figuring all this shit out, it’s ONLY been 8 weeks since I had surgery. ๐Ÿ˜ญ It feels like forever ago!!!

I seriously hate obsessing about food like, all the time. I hate it bad. I have to figure out what to eat, how much to eat, what’s safe to eat and when should I eat. I can’t drink much water so I’m not concerned I’m eating too much but every two hours and I’m hungry and that makes me feel like a fat kid. What’s crazier, all the focus on food and I’m losing weight at quite the rapid rate. I think I’m at 50 pounds already.

My skin is getting wobbly and as much as I don’t want that, I also have no desire to do anything about it either. Like, I’d rather just be thin and not fit right now.

Am I depressed?

Possibly. It isn’t even only about the whole food obsession I have to have, my church is a disaster right now and going through yet another freaking transition. My son got his learners permit and I realize every time I let him drive me around that I’m contributing to his moving further and further away from the nest. His shotgun tournament season is starting up again in November, we haven’t been home for a weekend in weeks, and it’s still to warm to shut the pool down but I don’t want to swim in it either, mostly because there’s no time!!

Life is changing so rapidly, just like my deflating boobs, and I need to just accept it. Part of me thinks I should start doing cakes again. Having all this down time might not be healthy for me mentally. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing anymore.

Whatever. Gods in control regardless of what I think.

Anyway, here’s my “face to Face Friday” post. People often ask me if I took a ton of before surgery photos (I didn’t) but the way I see it, I have a lifetime of fat pics, why would I take a zillion of them weeks before surgery? Lame. These are from a wedding I was in five years ago. See, still fat.

Shalom.