It occurred to me this morning that I am not in the habit of asking God for more than I already have or for more than I truly need. It seems crazy too because I grew up in a name it and claim it prosperity church so you’d think I’d be all over that but I’m not, I’ve never been. Somehow I’ve always had the understanding that God isn’t some cosmic genie that gives me whatever I want regardless of whether it’s what I need. Of course there were times Gods given me what I want knowing exactly it wasn’t what I needed and I’ve learned to use wisdom concerning such things because they just get me into trouble and I end up crawling back to Him apologetically. So with the husband not working now almost a full 2 months and seeing him begin to become discouraged and my private meltdowns becoming more frequent, I realize that my faith in Jesus, while just as strong as it’s always been, has kind of entered a different phase.
I know without a doubt that He’s got something planned for James and I know that the job he is suppose to have is out there. I know that even though Christmas is just weeks away and the fact that I am financially strapped like I’ve never been for Christmas is bringing me to a humility that I simply cant stand to bare, even though I will. I may cry like a baby about it(even as I type this) but it’s in this time that I feel even more loved by the Lord because I know that He would never allow His kids to be pruned in such a way if something so fruitful and bountiful was going to become of it. Whether that is financial or spiritual or both it doesn’t matter because I know that His word says that all of this will work together for His glory when it’s all said and done and I’m working through it. But I got to thinking. Perhaps this time, maybe I could ask God not just for James to find a job, but that James would find “the” job. The job that would really change things up in our lives. The job that would allow us to be able to live financially more abundant than we have ever been because I never go there, I never have asked Him for that I’ve just asked He provide James with a job.
So I started making my “List of things Lord, that I’d like James to find in a job” because I know that I am not one to ever ask God for things specifically, mostly because I often times dont feel like I deserve them, and maybe I dont. But just as I love my kids and when Ethan asks us for things, whether he deserves them or just wants them, I love to be able to give them to him because I love him and my adult kids. So why wouldnt God want us to come to Him in the same way our kids come to us?
I cant help but wonder if I actually sat down and said,
Father God, as you have us in this stupid situation AGAIN, and we know that you are going to carry us through this mess. And that we can stand in full faith that you have allowed us to be brought to this place of humility AGAIN, for reasons we dont really understand. Can I please ask that you hear my spoken words to you and not just assume you will accept the wishes and desires I keep silent in the shallows of my heart. Regarding the job and the outcome of this time, I’d like to see some things unfold because of the job you are going to allow James to find. I know that I am very reluctant to ask you for more than I think we deserve or more than we really even need but for whatever reason, I feel like I need to and want to speak clearly and openly to you just what it is that I would like James to find in a job. Because for some reason I feel like perhaps if I actually asked you specifically what kind of job I’d like to see James get this time around, maybe you would decide you’d like to see that happen for us too. So here it goes.
I’d like James to find a job that for the first time in our lives would allow us to be able to live in such a way that we wouldn’t have to live paycheck to paycheck. I’d like him to have a job that actually enables us to be able to put all of my earnings, and maybe even some of his, into savings because he will make enough money to easily provide for everything our household needs, and then some. I would like James to have a job that has health insurance, PPO health insurance, that may cost him just like it always has but that the cost wouldn’t even make a dent in his income every week. I would like James to have a job that sees in him his potential and appreciates his work ethic and that he wouldn’t dread going to every day. I’d like James to have a job that really is somewhere he can spend the rest of his working days until retirement and live comfortably all the while being able to save up for Ethan to go to college or save money for our retirement so that we dont have to work until we’re 80. Lord, I really want James to get that job that will allow us to not have to struggle anymore. I feel like we’re always those people who have to scrape by and cant ever get ahead and while I know monetary things in this life arent a main goal, it would just be nice for him to make enough money that we wouldn’t have to wish we had enough money to remodel our kitchen that’s falling apart or install a new floor so we arent walking on painted concrete anymore, or be able to afford to go on a family vacation maybe with all of our kids sometime, that experiences could be had because we could afford to occasionally have them. These are the things that I hope would come of the job you are going to allow James to have Lord. Please let him have this for not just us but also for himself because I know he would be so proud to be able to provide a more productive life for us.
I’m not really sure how that even sounds and I almost feel bad for asking for “just a bit more” than we have ever had. I know it’s just as easy for God to be like, mmmm nah that’s not that plan I have for you, and that’s fine I guess. It would just be nice if this time, with this job, He felt like it would be okay to let us have the rest of our adult lives financially overflowing so that we could comfortably live out the rest of our days and then be able to leave some for our kids when we go home. I’d like to be able to have that. I can only hope He’d like that for us too.