I’ve always recognized that people who have addictive personalities often times fall into the habit of going from one extreme to the next. I had a friend years ago who was a big tweeker for a period of time. He would carry around a notebook and write down his thoughts and ideas that he had while on a good one which just so happened to be, all the time.. This went on a for a good long while until finally he ended up at the mercy of his employer and was faced with either going and getting help or losing his job and he chose rehab. He got clean and he found Jesus and let me tell you he was SO on fire for God it was a beautiful thing. I cared deeply for this kid and to see him clean and renewed was awesome, but the same addictive personality was there. And oozing out this time was the fresh fired born again who wanted to save the world from hell fire and brimstone and he wasn’t going to let up on preaching until he did.
At first it was fine, I mean, how can you really be pissed at someone for being on fire for God? He was released from the substances that tortured him and he was flying high on faith and he wanted all his friends and family to be able to feel the joy he felt. He was passionate because he believed in something and he cared enough about us to want to share it with us. However, the downside of having an addictive personality is that people in your circle don’t like you so much when you are learning and discovering things about yourself or life and begin to have less tolerance for what you are currently “in to”. I know on more than one occasion I myself have gone from one extreme to another and sometimes I even look back on it and think “oh my gosh what a freak”, but it wasn’t so much ME as a person choosing to be such a freak as it is the underlying issues that cause ME, the person, to be that freak.
Trust me when I say that there is nothing I desire more than to be free from the brain God created in me except to understand WHY He decided to create me this way. It breaks my heart to look back on the “extremes” of the past when I didn’t understand why I acted that way now that I do understand why. And I haaaaattteeee that I can see the contempt in the eyes of people I know when I talk about something I am passionate about, because it’s almost as if it’s just dismissed as “just another obsessive manic fad” or something. I “get” why people would feel that way, I do. But knowing what we do now about why I act like this, why not smile and nod or offer support instead of scowl sigh and roll your eyes at me before suggesting that I stop throwing my passion into peoples faces? Why not have the attitude “it’s pretty cool she is passionate about this as it is making her feel really good and happy and wants to share it with other people” instead of the attitude that I am trying to force something on other people and that I shouldn’t constantly be talking about it because “when YOU didn’t think that way you hated when other people who did, talked about it all the time”.
Isn’t that what people do? Share information? Isn’t that how we find out who we are relational with, by gravitating to people who have similar feelings or like similar things? We find out who they are by having discussions and quite honestly these days, by what they post on Facebook. I think that is where my “circle” gets annoyed most, because I am too open and honest and transparent about myself, my life, my thoughts and my stupid brain disease that we all allowed to plague me my entire life because we were all too afraid of what people would say if they knew. They don’t like that I say so much, maybe it embarrasses them when other people bring up “oh did you see what she said the other day” or “did you see what she posted”. I don’t think that they understand that I’m not doing this for them necessarily and yet they choose to let it affect them as if I were. They don’t really know the feedback that I get from the years I have spent blogging and being so transparent online and the people I have touched and blessed and really, witnessed the love and grace of Jesus on my life to, by having gone through what I have and expressing the truth that God was responsible for bringing me through every single event and HE is deserving of the glory alone.
This is what I was created for. To be a relational, open book, transparent, unapologetic person with my over active, addictive personality, bipolar diseased brain that would cause me to think and act and experience things all for the ultimate purpose of being a witness of Christ to people who would otherwise perhaps not even give Him a second thought or people who might be going through something TOTALLY similar and need that boost in their faith in Him and would get that boost because of something I had written or said.
I can apologize to the people “in my circle” who are embarrassed by me, even though really I’m not sorry that they have a problem with who I am. I’m more sorry that they cant be more accepting of who I am and my feeling the need to be honest about it. That they choose not to appreciate the bigger picture, the lifelong friendships that have blessed me because of my open and honest words. I’m sorry that they could think more of themselves and the reaction their friends share with them about me and how that must reflect on them somehow. As with everyone, there will someday be a time when I’m not here to say such things and my facebook feeds will go silent and my blog will go un updated and it will be noticeable, and they will miss it. I just wish they could appreciate it now rather than when I’m gone.