New “Firsts” at Forty

This weekend was such an emotionally busy time for me, I swear I think we did more this weekend then we have all year. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a lot but in the big picture, the things we did were all just so new to me that there were several moments it was all I could do to keep myself from bursting out in tears.

I think I had mentioned that I started juicing and clean eating on Mothers Day and currently I am between a 35 and 39 pound weight loss. Those dang last few pounds before I hit my first goal are just holding on for dear life I am so frustrated by them. Last year at this time we were all sitting around a table at Carrows eating breakfast before the towns big hay day parade that we attend every year in celebration of our little hole becoming a city. There are festivities throughout the weekend down at the local watering hole where booths and food trucks, bands and junk for the kids flock but the big parade down Main Street is what kicks it all off and the fireworks that night end it with a bang, literally. However, in the last 5 or so years I guess, they have had this 5k “walk,run,crawl” down Main Street before the parade. So as has become tradition, we sit at the restaurant eating mounds of carbs and fat while watching the physically fit from town walk, run and crawl the length of this route. I am usually the one talking the most crap because I am the one least likely to EVER do such an event. I am the laziest, fattest, unhappy one in the bunch of us and so as a defense mechanism it is my duty to dooty, and I do it well.

I believe my EXACT words last year when my friend told me she was going to run it were, “and I’ll be watching you from Carrows while I stuff my face with bad carbs and wave to you with a fork filled with biscuits and gravy in one hand, and a piece of buttered sourdough toast in the other. you people are crazy”. Unbeknownst to me, God had other plans for my life and a year later myself, as well as my husband,son, sister and an array of other friends would be one of the thousand plus people that some other cynical fat girl would be making fun of through the window of Carrows while stuffing HER face with bad carbs in her own misery.

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I have to be honest and say that this was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. Not just physically because lets face it, with only having a month of physical activity in the last mmm, forty or so years under my belt, I was hardly trained for such an event. But the mental and emotional part of all of this, up to the point where I was at the last 1/4 mile and the crowd is much thicker on the sidelines as they have assembled for the parade, and they are cheering my hot sweaty mess on and I’m trying my hardest to ignore them with my ipod blasting in my ears and my sunglasses preventing me from making any eye contact with them, all the while trying my damndest not to burst out into tears because I can not believe I am even here doing this and haven’t died. And the voices in my head.. Oh, I am SO bringing all of this up to my psychiatrist this afternoon. I can not even begin to explain the mind games as well as the spiritual warfare that were happening while I’m speed walking this thing. I really have to wonder about the chemicals in the brain and their reaction to the endorphin’s that are being created with this exercise I have been doing and how this all balances out with the medication I am on because I have been more unbalanced since I began walking 2 miles a day than I have since I began taking any medication in January for my bipolar disorder.

I was so emotionally exhausted by the end of this thing I almost dont even remember watching the parade at all. I was trying to figure out all of the crap that I was hearing in my mind while I was huffing and puffing on the 3 mile route. It was like in the cartoons where you have the devil you on one shoulder and the angel you on the other, each of them giving you their thoughts about how you should be feeling about what you are doing. One saying ” look at you all sloppy and sweaty, barely holding on. all of these people are looking at you with disgust wondering why you are even out there. making fun of you. disgusted with how sweaty you are” while the other one goes into defense mode and starts saying “you are the one out here moving your ass while they are sitting there on the sidelines in their own fat not doing anything! that was you last year, be proud of you today! let them talk their shit, YOU are the one out here at least trying to do something while they do nothing”. Sometimes I wonder if I am schizophrenic I swear.

Longer story shorter I did it. I did it and I didn’t die. I did it and I overcame SO many insecurities I had and I defeated SO many obstacles I have been afraid to approach my entire life it was no wonder I was almost brought to tears, and it would have been okay because my face was so sweaty no one but me and God would have even known the difference. I got to the finish line and everyone I loved that was there that day was waiting for me. My husband and son who I graciously didn’t try to beat because they are men and they have egos and I love them for that. My sister, who is my very closest friend next to my husband who is probably more proud of me than I am of myself because she has always been so physically fit and I’m sure it’s always been her hope that I would desire to be healthier and happier. My friend Sam who was the one I made fun of last year was there which was so perfect because it was great for her to be able to rub it in about how wrong I was. And although I wouldn’t LOOK at any of them as I passed them taking my final steps to the finish, I could see out of the corners of my eyes their hands clapping and their smiles and hear their cheers through the bass that was blowing my ears up and it was the most beautiful I have ever felt in my entire life… even being so smelly, dirty and completely covered in my own sweat.

 

 

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