I can honestly say that I have had NO time or mental energy to sit down and write anything lately. My little caking adventure is keeping me so busy that there is hardly enough time in the day for much else aside from life work that has to be done. Isn’t it crazy to consider life “work”? But isn’t it though? You have to work at your job, work at being a wife, work at being a mother, work at maintaining relationships with people, with Jesus I mean it doesn’t at all come naturally. By nature we are selfish people who want to just please ourselves, to satisfy our own needs and not intentionally disregard the needs of others but simply use the excuse “there just isn’t time for that”. That is my situation anyway. I’m glad that I recognize that about myself and I really do want to respond to the signs when people in my life [read husband] are reaching out, requesting my attention or time even though they don’t take a moment to stop what they are busy doing to give it.
It seems all to often I am the one who gives of myself without it being reciprocated and that hurts, it fills me with rejection and it shouldn’t. We are called to be servants of all which I would assume probably also means pursuing friends and love even when you aren’t on the receiving end, alas, something else for me to work on.. There’s that word again, “work”. I have noticed that I have to be the one to reach out to people in order to be able to spend time with them, otherwise they fade into the crowd just like everyone else.. sometimes I feel like perhaps I am not important enough for people to want to have me in their life and if that is in fact the case, I guess it’s probably best that I am not. For being such a social person, online anyway, it is amazing how few close friends I do have. As much as people comment when I see them how much they enjoy my wit, my character, my words, my creativity, all these things about me, it sometimes blows me away that I don’t do life with any of them. Or better yet, if I am THAT special or important to you, how come you don’t try to maintain a relationship outside of the internet with me?? Most of my very closest friends are hundreds if not thousands of miles away and we make efforts to communicate with each other through either text, emails, real time chats shoot, even facetime and skype. They are the ones I would call friend and although I love them with all of my heart, I hate that this is how it is, how it’s always been, and probably how it will always be.
For whatever reason this is the forum God has given me in order to glorify Him through my life. I received the most profound testimony of my life and it’s affect on another person I have ever read and may ever read, (although secretly I have a feeling it is only the beginning of what is to come but I’m not going to get into that right now). She told me about how much of a blessing I have been to her and how watching me (through my old blog) go from the biggest drug addicted confused self destructive mess to the woman the Lord is restoring me into today has been on her life. That I have NO idea what my honesty and my blunt truth about who I am at ALL phases of my life have done to restore her in her deepest of times, and to God be ALL the glory. It is at times like that where I see that anointing the Lord has on my mind and the reason it is wired the way that it is as if somehow my sickness and my reliance on Jesus to help give me the strength to get through each episode and then put that out there for anyone to read in order to give them hope and hopefully seek a hope in Jesus, it all makes it that much easier to accept.
I laugh at the idea that my funeral will require a live feed on the internet so that my friends from far and wide can all attend in the same way we did life together. That the people who I didn’t know would be able to pay their respects by “checking in” and possibly leaving a comment for my children to let them know who they were, how they knew me and what I meant to them and the idea that my children and grandchildren wont even be phased by any of it rather they would be sure it all fell into place so perfectly because they will have an understanding that “that’s who Granny was”..