I am so tired.
Sometimes I wonder if these are those “down times” that come with bipolar disorder but because they are so infrequent I am never really sure or if it’s just because I’m doing too much which, is just such a foreign concept to me. I am so tired. I am literally sitting here at my desk and my eyes are so heavy and droopy I just want to put my head down and snooze a bit. It seems like no matter what I do, I am always tired, and not just physically but I am tired emotionally as well.
This week I hit my 40 pound weight loss goal, number one of however many who knows. I will admit that the past 5 months have been super exciting for me and I haven’t held back on my emotions either. I am pretty sure there are people who are absolutely sick of hearing it, and that is to be expected. I was one of those people when I would see other people expressing excitement about losing weight, I get that. I have begun to hold back much and post less about what is happening to my body and how I feel, especially how I look. There are always those people who are just mean and it’s so stupid because more often than not the response to my choices in getting healthy have been so amazingly kind, I am often times completely overwhelmed because I do not ever remember a time that I have heard compliments such as the ones I am hearing these days yet the ones that are mean are the ones that stick out in my head. I am so much more use to just kind of blending in “look wise” and being known as “the funny girl” or “the outspoken one” which I was well aware that I was that person but because I hated myself and the way I looked SO much, I am at this place where its like, I almost don’t want to believe people are actually saying what they are. I never would have thought in my life I would EVER hear things like “you look so amazing” “you look SO good” “you look SO happy” “your body is amazing” and things like that. “I am SO proud of you” coming from people who have ALWAYS been the fitness freaks that were overly obsessed with their physical appearance being as perfectly acceptable to everyone else is probably about the biggest mind f*ck I have ever experienced in all my 40 years. Mostly because I have always been overly obsessed with my physical appearance being as completely disgusting as it could have possibly been and obsessed with what Jane Fitness and everyone else thought about it, now that they think it’s awesome I’m freaked out. Stupid. I know.
SO I am exhausted.
I almost feel like I have performance anxiety as now I am at a place where I am almost expected to out perform the Shann from a month ago, and I’m not ready to. I mean, why isn’t it enough that I am getting up before the sun and jogging/walking 2 miles in 30 minutes up a most disgusting grade hill in both directions 5 days a week? I have NEVER done such a thing in all my years!!! “You should be ________ by now”. Truthfully, I should probably be DEAD by now, but I’m not. I’m jogging with my mom every morning working out my heart muscles so they can keep me alive a little longer so I can listen to your bullshit for a few more years, mehhhh
My body hurts, all the time. Every day. My legs are aching right now and I really just want to chop them off at the hip I am SO tired of them hurting. I am so tired of getting out of my car and walking like I have had nights filled with Cinnemax sex with my husband and I cant walk right no matter how much I try. I’m sure my facial expression is about the same but I am kind of animated so that’s to be expected haha. I am tired of pervy old men making inappropriate compliments to me in an effort to, I don’t even know. Maybe they are hoping I will return the response with a brush of my less existent side boob on their chest or something when I walk by, I don’t know but it is disgusting and I’m tired of it. There was a time in my life where I would LONG for the attention of said man, hell ANY man and yet here I am secretly wishing I were fat and invisible again and that sucks. Oh but to have my problems right now, right? You poor girl who has no clothes that fit her anymore and she has to go out and buy smaller sizes, how sad for you.. I know I shouldn’t be complaining about such things but instead rejoicing about having such things as the biggest issues in my life at the time but alas, here I am. The complainer. Torn from each end of who I am, who I was and who I could be turning into and more and more fearful of turning into someone that everyone cant stand for their own personal reasons. Once again, I am worried more about what others think of me and less about what I am doing for the Lord and for myself in obedience to Him in order to mirror Him to others.
It’s exhausting and I feel totally horrible even writing all of this and really want to delete it, but I’m not going to. It’s how I feel at this exact moment even if my feelings change by my lunch hour and I regret all that I have said. I am just going to pretend no one will even read this for it to matter anyway. I had no idea that these things would even, COULD even be an issue during this journey and yet, they are. Now to figure out how to overcome them, because getting through them just isn’t good enough in my opinion.