I am on the fastest spinning bipolar teapot ride right now it is so ridiculous! Today on my jog I was almost at the 1 mile mark and it’s on this stupid horrible incline that makes my butt burn and on the ipod was this house mixed version of “10,000 reasons” and I start crying. My face is freezing, my running snot nose has frozen boogers stuck to the inside of it and the tears welling up in my eyes because I am just so overwhelmed with His glorious Majesty are about to drop like the ice cubes in the penguins eyes in those old Bugs Bunny cartoons. As bad as I just wanted to fall to my knees and worship Him right in the middle of that street which also happens to be underneath a bridge that a train travels over, I had to press on.
Fast forward to lunchtime today and I’m scrolling through photos I have been taking of myself as I have been losing weight and I put a couple of them side by side. One was from like a year ago and I was probably at my heaviest when I had my poor son take it. I had decided at that point I HAD to lose some weight before my daughters wedding and had begun shoving pounds of bacon and eggs into my face in the name of “no carbs”!! Another photo was taken probably right before the wedding a year ago August and I could see my hips starting to form, but the ripples of chub rolls were ever so present and I had to wonder WHY in the name of all that is still good in this world did 1.I get that fat and 2. no one tell me I had gotten that fat and most importantly 3. didnt anyone tell me how horrible I looked in that white t shirt I loved so much!?!?!? I was POSITIVE that shirt looked good on me and I see it now and I’m not sure who to be more pissed off at. The people in my life who allowed me to leave the house looking like such a hot mess or myself for thinking that I looked good when I left the house wearing it!
All of this body changing stuff is the most emotionally confusing time I have ever spent in my life in a completely sober state of mind. It is only by the grace of God and my desire to serve Him in ALL I do that I have not started to sell myself on the streets in exchange for the most amazing mind altering drugs so that I might escape the chaos I feel from one day to the next. Of course that is the over stimulated manic freak in me exaggerating but you have to catch my drift. You would totally think that when I caught that image reflected at me as I walked in a frenzy passed the mirror this morning searching desperately for my sports bra, that I would not only be completely blown away by what I saw but that I would have been so excited about what I was seeing, it would have only been a festivus miracle keeping me from tweeting the photos I then took with no regard to the fact that “once it’s on the internet it’s always on the internet”. Instead here I sit with the images side by side of each other wondering what in the hell did you do to yourself?
I know just as well as the next Christian that Satan has this fabulous way of taking something amazing we do that we give God the glory for, and totally twisting it into a giant pile of steaming dog crap. I often times know immediately when I am having one of those moments and sometimes it takes me quite a while to work through them. If I ever feel like I might actually look pretty amazing today, I hear those thoughts of “oh well aren’t you just being the vain one today“, and then I feel like crap again. It’s funny that for whatever reason I NEVER seem to have any regret about beating myself down or accepting the thoughts that I probably AM being a little vain, even when deep down inside I know I’m not. I am the most ridiculously insecure person, almost to the point that the days like today when I actually DO stop and look at my body in total shock and awe with the smallest sense of accomplishment and pride I start to wonder, “well do I REALLY look as good as I think I do right now”? “am I REALLY seeing what I think I am”? “my waist isn’t really that small now is it”??? TOTALLY talking myself out of what I’m really seeing with my own two eyes!
There is a great possibility I may never come to accept the creature I am morphing in to. I have spent the majority of my life never feeling good enough, never feeling pretty enough, sacrificing my heart through my body that, ironically I despised (go figure) because I had absolutely no love for the person God created with His own tender loving hands. I know that a lot of my self inflicted torment is in part due to the brain disease that was never properly recognized and diagnosed and then treated but that is no excuse either. The fact that I now know the what’s and why’s and that I am on a pursuit for health both physically, mentally in addition to spiritually I know that Jesus can heal me from ALL that hurt and that it IS possible for me to one day stop insulting Creator GOD by suggesting what His perfect hands made is anything less than perfect. I say all this totally being ” on one” and do hope that some day I can say it out loud and mean it. That when I do hear someone compliment me I can truthfully be thankful when I uncomfortably mutter the words “thank you” and believe in my mind that what they are saying is true because I do.. I DO look amazing. And I am NOT being a horrible vain and conceited person by agreeing with them because I HAVE worked hard and that isn’t where my heart is at all. I don’t post photos of my success in this in an effort to brag or to show off in a shitty way, because that totally isn’t where my heart is. I have had SO many people say how I have inspired them to do the same and get healthy, the LAST thing in the entire world I would have EVER thought God would use me to inspire anyone to do. At best I was sure I would inspire people to go to rehab or something.
I want to be able to believe the praises and compliments and not feel shame for believing it.
I want to be able to believe my eyes when I see this picturesque hourglass body in the mirror and it just so happens to have MY head on it.
I want to be able to see the beauty in myself that not just others see in me, but that Jesus does. Even if just a little bit. And to see it without feeling bad for seeing it.
I want to be able to stop sinning by constantly suggesting His workmanship wasn’t good enough.
Why do such desires feel so far fetched?
Why does the enemy have such a stronghold over my thoughts?
More importantly, how can I become free from this?
A fore note:
I don’t write this in order to get sympathy or to hear others say they know how I feel, or, “if it makes you feel any better” they feel the same way. That will not make me feel any better! If anything it makes me feel worse because it’s heartbreaking enough to know I feel that way about myself, but to know someone else feels that way about themselves, that’s just awful. There can be freedom from this, for all of us girls. Lets see to it that we allow The Lord to make that come to pass.