I absolutely over think every thing.
Everything. I over think, I over analyze, I over examine the meaning, I tear apart the tone in which things were said to me, I dwell on it, I think about people I shouldn’t, I wonder if they are thinking about me or my feelings at all or if they even give me a second thought. It is absolutely exhausting and I would love nothing more than to be completely calloused and not give a shit. Well, I would love other things more to happen, like getting a Silhouette Cake, but it is just one of those things in this quest for sanity that no amount of medication can make stop. So I turned to prayer. Something I should have done in the first place but I am a stupid stupid girl and sometimes it takes me longer to “get it”.
As I fell asleep last night I was asking the Lord to help me to NOT think about a group of people and to help me not to consume so much time thinking about the way “they had made me feel” last week. My mother has always taught me that no one can make you feel a certain way and that you choose to feel that way. They have no physical control over your thoughts and regardless of what they say or what they do that may or may not have any affect on your life, they cant make you feel anything about it. I know that I have repeated this logic a few hundred times to myself and to others and still, I am not sure how true I think it is. Especially right now when I am feeling vulnerable and angry and rejected by “these people”, who, in all honesty probably have NO idea I am tripping at all. They probably don’t even realize that their actions, their words and their utter lack of concern or support for me has me giving them a single second thought. There is no way they could possibly know that the things that they have said caused me to feel (see what I did there) like some ridiculous groupie idiot girl who would probably one day be the punchline in one of their jokes.
More than any of this over thinking nonsense, the thing that bothers me worse than the fact that there is a very good chance these people DO see me as some blundering idiot and not their “friend”, is the fact that I care. I do not know why I care. It’s not just them either, it’s a few people that I have met lately. I feel like I invest some time or I reach out to them and it’s as if they never even noticed, and really, that is okay! I think because this is the first time in forever that I have actually acted on my desire to want to build friendships with people, it’s almost just such a foreign concept to me I don’t know how to react when it doesn’t work out how I had hoped to. I am a rookie friend maker I guess. I said last week in a Facebook status post that I have decided to not think of it as a flaw in my personality but more of a reflection on what kind of person THEY are, and I mean that. It’s the part that stings that I have to get passed in order to rest in that statement that is hard.
There are always going to be people that let you down or that you know are a distraction to the relationship that is suppose to be most important, being the one you build with Christ. I have come to a point where I eventually KNOW when I have met those people and that I know I have to walk away from them, or in this case, get them the heck off my timeline and not be so obsessed with what they are doing. I have to say without boasting, I am quite proud of the progress I have made in this regard. Far too often I have been so blinded by the newness and attention from a new friendship that I end up sucked into a situation I could have totally avoided had I been more aware of what I was stepping in. I have been able to resist temptation to pursue a friendship I KNEW would turn out to be totally disastrous and that is HUGE for me. There is hope… I am growing. And I DO look forward to this continued growth and to the time when I am not affected mentally by “feelings” and that my actions are not based on “feelings” because really, at the end of the day, feelings are just the knee jerk reaction to people, situations, and things that usually should be decided by the guiding of the Holy Spirit in the first place in order to prevent me such anguish over something that really is nothing.
I will just have to rest in that and move forward.