In just 3 days I will be able to take my highly anticipated “before and after Thanksgiving one year later” photo. A few months ago I was at my moms house and saw a photo of me on the wall in the hallway that was taken on Thanksgiving last year, and i specifically remember taking that photo or rather, being forced to pose for it. I also remember specifically wearing stretchy pants that day because I intended on stuffing my already fat face with delicious food and I didn’t want to be uncomfortable sitting in my own fat after I did.
I spent a lot of time posting comments on Facebook about “sitting in my own fat” last winter and I wasn’t ashamed one bit either. I would go so far as to even suggest I may have even been proud of it a little. I figured there was NO way I was ever going to not be a fat ass and it may as well just be embraced and I may as well just make myself comfortable with it because nothing was ever going to change. Thinking about that now I feel the tears well up in my eyes as I consider how much my father in Heaven must have felt seeing me feel so ugly about myself. I mean, sure it makes ME sad that I saw myself that way too but considering He created me acceptable in His eyes and there I was, destroying myself and not giving a crap about how that possibly reflected my feelings about Him, it’s just sad.
I wont sit here and beat myself about the past because what for? It’s passed and there isn’t anything I can do about it anymore. The amazing thing is that I have overcome those feelings of worthlessness and shame and I am on my way to becoming a woman of God, reflecting the image of Him that He has created in me through His grace and mercy. I am on my way to being a healthier version of that fat, depressed, hopeless girl from last Thanksgiving who had convinced herself she was happiest sitting in her own fat in a comfy pair of fat pants with an expandable waist because she didn’t deserve anything better. I am on my way from being so far removed from the stoned, lost and numb woman who claimed to love the Lord but lived for herself and her own selfish desires and was able to justify that behavior by blaming “my mental illness”. I am becoming, little by little, more and more removed from being a woman who felt she deserved nothing but the worst this world had to offer her no matter what anyone else said.
I weighed myself this morning when I got to work and was almost floored to see I had hit another “five” lower on the numbered scale. I cant honestly remember the last time I weighed what I do now, mostly because I refused to own a scale or even step on one if I could help it. And the idea that my goal weight just might be possible freaks me out in so many good ways, I honestly just feel like screaming sometimes. I think the very very best part of all of it is hearing my husband tell me how awesome I look and actually believing him. I think he would say it before because he knew he kind of had to? Maybe not. Maybe he did like the way I looked even at my heaviest and I wouldn’t believe him anyway because I knew I looked terrible. Little did I know just how horrible until I walked by that photo in my moms hallway. I took a photo of the photo(ha) and am going to put it side by side with the one we will take again at her house on Thanksgiving. I am going to go buy me a new SMALLER pair of jeans and a t shirt that I will not have to worry about busting a gut over the sides of because I only eat until I am satisfied these days. I laugh every single time I catch myself doing that too. It’s the stupidest thing in the world to laugh at but I cant help it. I laugh inside like a silly child because I am so excited that I can even DO this!!! I NEVER thought it would be possible!!!
I will say this a million times if I haven’t already because I think it is SO important to remember. When you do decide to change the life you live and to break free from the chains that bind you down and keep you happy sitting in your own fat, you will find out that it is such a bigger issue than just being fat. And as you begin to see your body shrink in different places, you are going to find that your thoughts begin to mess with you because you will be sorting them all out. You will begin to realize that just being lazy, heavy, out of shape and possibly even enslaved to food and the comfort it brings, those things aren’t really the issue at hand. There are actually a colorful array of other issues that you will end up recognizing and eventually resolving one tiny step at a time, as it is all part of the big quest for health. Body, mind, spirit and heart. Sometimes in that order, sometimes in a different one. But just remember. Losing the weight is really just the small part even if it feels like the big picture. And hold on tight. It is a very bumpy ride.