Happily ever after, the end….

What would Jesus do?

Is that how Jesus would act?

Jesus would have forgiven ____

Is that the example God wants you to be to _____?

 

I think that Christians forget some major major attributes about people when they advise them to respond to things as God would…

THAT WE WERE SEPARATED FROM GOD AND OUR INSTINCT AND NATURE IS SINFUL HENCE, I AM NOT GOD!!!

I know that it is our goal though… for us to strive to be like Christ. We try to follow Him, emulate Him, show others who He is through our actions and the way we live our life. It baffles my mind though, when people suggest that a certain area of your life that you struggle with should be just as simply dealt with ” as Jesus would”. That the idea could so simply just flow from their lips to your ears and that it should just be as easy as it was said. 

If you know me you know that I have that fabulous chemical imbalance in my brain known to the world as Bipolar disorder. It took me nearly 40 years of self medicating, self destruction, confusion and the other salty array of poor decisions to finally get to the place that I am today….stable. It took me until my 39th year to FINALLY submit my life wholly to Jesus and allow the resources available to me to diagnose me properly, medicate me soundly, and admit that my struggles with life was in general based on this mind disease. In doing so I have never been more sane. I turned 40 while on the right treatment and I entered that year completely free from drugs and alcohol…bad relationships and decisions. Once my mind got healthy my body followed all the while giving praise to the Lord for not giving up on me, not leaving my side and continuing to show me where I needed to be and how to get there. However. haha However. Whenever a positive descriptive paragraph flows into “however” you know it’s going to go the other way real fast. Upon my dealing with myself and getting my shit together, harder than quitting any drugs..more difficult than any bipolar emotional swing… the situation with my husband and his daughter is the one thing that I just can not repair and it is the one thing that breaks my heart and has been ruining my life for the past 14 years. 

I am sure it is equally exhausting reading about this crap as it is writing about it. Sitting through the tears I have taken the time to type out my frustrations over all of this and wasted so much time on it when I’m sure if I had spent that amount of time on my knees pleading my situation to God the outcome of my cries would be so much more productive. Yet, here I am….again. And it always seems like this stuff resurfaces at the most inopportune times. Like Christmas and Thanksgiving!! That horrible child just loves to spoil my holidays. Who am I kidding, she just likes to ruin my life every chance she gets! What is really the most heartbreaking about this is that she never even gave me a chance. The day that I met her and she wiped the bottom of her shoes onto my waist length hair she let me know how she felt about me and although I just assumed any normal kid would get over it, get to know me and know that I am not so bad and we would live happily ever after the end. I sit here and think about what a FOOL I was to not have taken the hints, listened to my heart that day and ran like hell and never looked back. 

I hate that the fact I didn’t listen to whatever was telling me to leave that day is probably my biggest regret in life. It seems so very unfair to my husband and I don’t mean for it to. At the same time, why it never occurs to him that the way I have been treated and his complete ignorance to his daughters behavior toward me is even more unfair just breaks me. As a woman. As a mother. As a person. To feel like a man made a claim to love, honor and protect me but see that it was on the condition that it doesn’t interfere with the relationship between him and his daughter makes me wish I could just go back to that horrible day at Chuck E Cheese and do everything different because I have wasted so much of my life on all of this crap. 

I beat myself up about my resistance toward my husband and how awful I am to put forth so much more effort toward just about everything else in my life BUT him. And then I realize WHY I do it. Not because it’s intentional. I would not intentionally go out and try to not be a good wife to him, but I realize that it’s in reaction to all the years of neglect and “abuse” that I have endured. I dont like feeling repulsed, annoyed, irritated and sometimes just plain disgusted with the man I am married to. I mean come on. And most of the time I can work passed those feelings and see in him the amazing other qualities that caused me to fall in love with him in the first place. I know that since I was able to leave my job of 18 years that was completely unstructured and difficult on me as a mother and wife and entered into a career that gave me stability, reestablishing our roles in our marriage have become quite the challenge. Having his daughter out of our house has been a most amazing blessing too!! Until she gets bored or runs out of people to take advantage of and lurks back into our life to manipulate her daddy and the cycle begins all over again.

I will continue to press on. We have a son together who deserves to have married parents who love him, love Jesus and love each other. I do love my husband and I know that the measures of that love come in phases. No monogamous relationship between two sinners is “happily ever after,  the end” and if that happens outside of Disney cartoons I have yet to see it unfold before my eyes. In my quest for sanity and better health, I will have to continue to have to re-polish my heart that he continues to break and give glory to God that I am not that lost self seeking manic nut job that I use to be, who would have handled this horrible rejection and heartache in a completely different way. I will give God the glory for the power of the Holy Spirit that changed my heart and made me whole. That I can hold up my head even when my heart hurts and know that I do this FOR GOD ALONE and not for my sinful husband who lacks repentance for the hurt he keeps causing me.

How sad right? haha 

I look forward to receiving a big hug from Jesus one day. One that will let me know that He thought I handled this the best I could because He knew that I would and that He is proud of me for accepting the task and finishing it to the end. Knowing that He has forgiven me for the times I didn’t handle all of this His way but my own, gives me hope that the future in this quest has a purpose. The purpose of glorifying Him through it all and being an example to others that when we handle life “as for the Lord” and not for ourselves, He equips us with what we need in order to keep moving forward. Yes it sucks. Yes it’s hard. The result of bad choices in life, him and mine, suck!!! But that doesn’t change the mission at hand or the promise for the future and really that is what it’s all about anyway, right?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s