I was thinking about the past year and how it was just last January that we were getting ready to fly out to Maui for an all expense paid vacation with my boss and his wife who, coincidentally just so happen to be my sister and brother in law. The other couple who originally had planned to go on the trip had to cancel due to some family matters that needed to be resolved and we were invited to take their place, wow right? The day after we got home was the day I would begin taking the proper medication for my finally diagnosed bipolar disorder, and as resistant as I was I had a feeling things would be changing. That not only was it a new year, it was going to be a new beginning. I would be turning 40 that year and the rumor was that “40 is the new 20″(whatever that even means) so I figured it seemed like a pretty good time to do life the way in which God intended me to. HEALTHY!!!
I am happy to report that the medication has been a total brain saver and I have been recreational drug free for over a year. I have maintained very level mind activity for the most part, in all honesty I can say I have not had a self destructive episode of any kind since I began my meds and truth be told, I haven’t even considered it. Of course when you decide to take a stand against particular sin the devil always seems to find more inviting and tempting opportunities for you to fail and it’s hilarious because I saw it coming a mile away and I never even really gave it a second thought. A first thought yes. Then I was like ahhhh hahaha I see what you did there satan you cheeky bastard!! Yeah, I dont think so. Not this time, not ever again!!
So the healthy mind allowed me to become sober which allowed me to fully appreciate and experience the healing the Lord has wanted for me all these years. A healing that has always been available to me but that I wanted to believe the lie that I wasn’t deserving of it and chose to hurt myself instead. From the healing then of my mind, the restoring of my heart then came my body. I was probably at my heaviest weight when we went to Maui and had pretty much given up any hope of ever being anyone less than the heifer that I was. I became complacent with that idea too. Little did I know that all the healing going on in my mind and spirit was going to lead me to wanting to heal my body that I was just destroying with food and had previously destroyed with drugs.
I’ve blogged about my decision to start juicing and eating clean and how I had watched “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” and it changed my life but I’ve never posted here the results that I have posted on Facebook. Not that I have a huge audience here or whatever but if my testimony can inspire one person to get the help they need for their mind sickness and self destruction and give them the encouragement to do life a healthy way and be able to give God all glory for it, I know it was worth it for the both of us. No one should have to suffer from the chains of mental illness let alone a Child of God!! So with all that being said and a bit to my own humiliation,here are some fun side by sides I have been making and cracking jokes about myself with..
The fat photo was taken at my moms house, Thanksgiving last year 2012 and the thinner photo was taken Thanksgiving 2013 also at my moms house. It was the photo from the first Thanksgiving that I passed by in her hallway that really brought things into perspective. I saw it sometime in August and I had lost about 30 pounds or so when I noticed what a horrible fat mess I was. I specifically remember wearing “fat pants” with drawstrings so I could eat myself into a food coma because “Thanksgiving”. This year I ate like a bird and it was a beautiful thing. I am 45 pounds lighter this Thanksgiving.
Saturday we went to the shooting range so I could see my little son in action as he is a Duck Dynasty “Jep Robertson Protege” . It was a beautiful 70 degree January day in the California Desert so I got on my tanks, sandals and light sweater, ALL the best shooting clothes, and spent the day doing boy stuff. Thought it would be funny to capture my ridiculous outfit with my sons rifle and then put some photos side by side and when I saw what I did I felt like that Joey Lawrence and said “Woah”
I have always had the opinion that a fat body looks better tan than a fat body looks pasty and white so in Maui I had NO problem letting the sun cook me like a pig at a luau and it showed. My skin looks so plump and brown I am almost shocked they didn’t try to cut me up and serve me to the other tourists. Anyone that knows me knows I am very animated and make the most ridiculous faces, especially when I am uncomfortable. I hated taking pictures and because it was obligatory with us being in Maui and at a Luau and all, I had to let them do it. My face pretty much says it all. So this morning I thought it would be fun to make the same face but with less chins and more eyes.
I’m positive I will make a few dozen of these or at least as many as I can with as many photos as I have. There aren’t a lot because like I mentioned, I hated taking photos because I hated myself so much and most of the photos I do have of myself contain my bad finger. I am learning how to like me now and I notice that when I like what I see, I am able to allow others to like it especially my husband. The poor man has listened to me abuse myself for nearly 14 years now and I am finally at a place where I am beginning to see what I think he has seen in me all along and I am finally getting to a place where I may actually believe him now. Not to suggest he was ever lying before but just that I couldn’t see passed the ugly I felt the way he did I guess. I’m still not sure how all that works but I am just pleased for his sake that I am easing out of that uncomfortable person who couldn’t stand him looking at me.
I will end with this one last thing that I keep reminding people who decide to stop being fat, sick and dying. Even when you notice eating right and getting off the couch starts to shrink your body and your clothes start becoming too big to the point where you cant even wear them anymore, the one piece of meat that will take the longest to get into shape is the one in your thick skull. It will take your brain longer to accept that what you are seeing is really a thinner you. It will take your brain serious training to understand that YOU get to decide when you are done eating and it will fight you all day long sometimes. Your brain will be thee single biggest obstacle you will have to climb over and sometimes every hour of every day. The trick is to not give up. Take photos of yourself. Measure yourself. DO the side by sides and put them on your fridge or mirror so you can begin to convince yourself that it really IS you in that reflection, you just have fewer chins. If you can control your appetite, you can control the lies your mind will tell you about food and what you are capable of doing. Losing the weight is easy. Conquering the mind is the hard part.