My last visit to my psychiatrist was an interesting 10 minutes. Luckily for him, he was able to see me at my worst and not at my better to which he quickly responded to up my meds. I know people get really freaked out when doctors do that and in all fairness, I was on an even lower dose of the Lamictal than is typically the recommended dose. I knew there was a chance it eventually wasn’t going to be sufficient, especially once I hit a big high and working 80 hour weeks between my office job and my cake hobby, it was only a matter of time before a huge crash was to happen. That is how bipolar disorder works. Low and behold I was in the midst of the bell jar on the night of my time to see Dr J.
Freaked me out a little that he almost seemed excited that his prediction was right and that he would need to move me to a higher dose, especially because I was so resistant to the suggestion for so long. As much as I don’t want to be a zombie, completely numbed of my own ability to mentally function, that high and that crash afterward were rough. Not to suggest that it isn’t a normal part of life to have ups and downs and that people shouldn’t rely on medication in order to deal with it. I can totally see why people would feel that way and I myself have considered that too. I can totally handle everyday up and down, it happens all day to me anyway. There are some severe times where it’s unmanageable and in the past have been disastrous in many ways, so I am working through trying to avoid all of that happening again. Not only with medication but more importantly, MOST importantly, allowing God to just fill those places of void and confusion and not let other things that aren’t beneficial to my life of serving Him. If that means being on a proper dose of medication to repair a chemical imbalance I have in my brain in order to achieve said goal, then so be it.
Last night was my first night on the new dose and I was frightened to fall asleep. I watched 3 episodes of Girls that I have missed by the time I had finally gotten sleepy and then did more pleading with God to protect my mind that night. See, in the past when I was working my way up to the proper dose I would have thee most blood curdling nightmares I have ever had. They were even worse than the ones I had as a child when I was sleep walking with the night terrors and speaking in tongues and all that nonsense that was happening at that time. I was very concerned and planned for an exhausting Tuesday but just as the sun rises in the East, God is bigger than the torment in my mind and I slept in perfect peace hearing songs of praise to Hosanna singing in my mind all night long. The Holy Spirit and I have this relationship you see. There have been several times I can recall that I have physically heard songs of praise being sung over me as I slept or when I was deathly sick with the flu a few years ago. I cant remember what song it was or what I was hearing being sung, but I wake up with such peace and with songs in my heart. It’s a beautiful thing. I appreciate that relationship I have with the Holy Spirit, as wacky and bizarre that may sound.
Today I feel okay with the exception of being a giant snot factory with a cough similar to one with emphysema. Mentally I feel fine. Physically I feel rested and Spiritually I feel fed as I got up early and caught up on my daily reading. I am determined to read the bible cover to cover this year and I fell behind over the weekend on my reading plan. I should mention, though he prescribed 100 mg 2x a day I decided to forego his advise and take 150mg at night before bed instead. That stuff makes me tired, I dont have time to be a lerp during the day and I dont have time to nap either. Hopefully I wont need to go up to 200 and he will really never know one way or another if I did or not. I want him to think he is in control when really, I know who is.