Send me to the fat farm

Crap.

As much as I hate to admit it I am realizing that I am indeed, enslaved to food. I didn’t originally think so. I really just thought my problem was strictly that I am lazy. After reevaluating the meals I partook this past week, 3 of which involved me going to this Thai restaurant I found out about three consecutive days in a row, I realized there is more of a problem than me just being lazy. 

I eat too much.

I think after meeting my 45 pound goal I felt like the pressure was off and I was well on my way. I would be forever changed!! Unfortunately what I didn’t realize was with that change came me feeling more comfortable with eating and before I knew it, I was slurping down drunken noodles at an alarming rate. I weigh myself weekly(sometimes daily) and after I lost the 45 it was as if I couldn’t lose anymore. The numbers just froze. I kept hearing what a plateau I was probably experiencing and that I needed to do this, that and the other but in reality I needed to stop eating so damn much. Even though I was exercising, I was justifying the bigger portions instead of disciplining myself to keep them smaller as that was why I was losing weight in the first place. Oh how quickly we forget.

So, I am not even joking when I say this whole thing is totally new to me. I have always just sort of eaten what I wanted and not exercised and been okay sitting in my own fat, but I am not anymore. At the same time, it would appear that my dietary habits aren’t under strict enough control and I have fallen off the beaten path. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. I know that I am easily falling back into old habits because lets face it. It’s way easier to eat than to not. Knowing all this I should just accept what has been happening acknowledging I am screwing up and do what I did before to lose the weight. I just hate that I am 10 pounds further behind then I was months ago and it was that easy to gain back. I think that is the part that bothers me the most.. It was THAT EASY to gain weight back!!! 

 

waahhhhhhhh

I have pms too by the way. That makes everything a thousand times worse to deal with. I should be glad that I am recognizing this all now and just carry on as I did before. Oh but what fun it is to tear yourself down. I wish sometimes I had someone to hold me accountable for a change. I always seem to be the one encouraging others and they all seem to think I have it all together. 

I don’t. 

I am admitting it here and now. I. Do. Not. Have. It. All. Together. Not even a little bit. 

45 pounds was a great accomplishment in my quest for health and 35 is still awesome and I should not be so discouraged. I guess I am just realizing that this is going to be a daily struggle and that bums me out. As if life isn’t a struggle enough without having to add one more thing to fight against. 

I hate this

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