There isn’t too much, if anything that I truly can say without conviction that frustrates me about being a Christian. I mean, obviously it’s annoying the backlash I experience or witness from others who blasphemously curse my God but that is to be expected of them. It’s biblical. But what I am experiencing right now is the inability to be vile and have cruel intentions as a reaction to the way I am being treated, passive aggressively mind you, by a person I have called friend for the past 2 decades.
I know that each and every one of us were made to love. We were created to Love God and love others. You wouldn’t think it would be so difficult but then again, our first parents and that whole eating of the forbidden fruit and plaguing us with sin and all changed the way we feel and deal with things and others, and corrupted it in a way that it is human nature to be vile and vindictive and be able to justify it in our own minds. Not only justify it but convince others that your reactions and your response to hurt feelings, no matter how cruel and mean they are, are completely acceptable because lets face it “they don’t have the right to treat you that way so you can smear them publically”. Right?
I spent the majority of the night tossing and turning, waking up angry and hurt and unable to escape this reoccurring dream I was having about my friend and her crazy ability to be so immature and deal with her feelings toward me in such a way you would think we weren’t in our 40’s and 50’s but back in high school or something. To make matters worse it all happened in my dream, back at the place where we worked together for nearly 18 years, a place that since I was able to retire from and she wasn’t, sadly would begin the process of the dissolution of our friendship.
I should have seen it coming, and maybe I did. But I really didn’t want to. I wanted to think that by having been able to escape the terrors of that job and all of the depression, addiction and sin that I allowed it to bring upon me, I would have been able to still maintain friendships with people that would remain enslaved to it’s horror. When I was able to be free from depression, free from addiction and free from living the same life everyone else was and proclaiming to be a follower of Christ, I wanted to believe that I would still be able to maintain the same relationships with my friends who would choose to remain in that dark place. I wanted to believe that somehow I would be able to lead them to wellness through my example. I wanted to believe that I would be able to assist them in mending their own hurts and hardships through the love of Christ that I have been experiencing. I would have never thought it would have been completely opposite and that I would be on the receiving end of the jealous, resentful, hateful and hurtful wrath that Jesus Himself warned us of in John 15:8 and Matthew 10:22.
I guess I just didn’t think that when he said “the world” and “everyone” that He would have been talking about a person you called “bestie” for so many years. My heart is absolutely broken. I wont deny that. I hate admitting it but I cant deny it. And the more passive aggressive crap she posts the deeper the knife in my back gets. You would think my having fasted from facebook would have prevented me from knowing about these posts but people like to talk I guess. I hate that I cant go off. I hate that my heart wont allow me to get in this girls face and go off on her. I use to be able to retaliate, and I cant now. Gosh darnnit I am filled with the Holy Spirit and my heart has been changed and I am filled with the love of Christ and just don’t have it in me to be equally vile. Instead I cry. I cry and yet trust in Jesus that HE has brought me to this place and that Him alone will be the mender of my broken heart. That He alone will restore my faith in people, women in particular and that HE is the author and finisher of all things. That the people I am growing close to are because of Him and His plan for me and that the people He has brought into my friends life are to equally bless her in the path she is headed toward. I am not resentful. I just hate that she feels it necessary to be so shitty toward me about this.
It’s one thing if you don’t want to maintain relationships with people for whatever the reasons. It’s another thing to be a total a hole about the way in which you choose to dissolve the friendship. I guess that is the part that bothers me the most. Had I been able to be the same a hole she was being, I guess it wouldn’t seem so hurtful. I need to just be thankful I am not that person anymore.