I am well aware these days when I am in the dead center of a hypo manic tornado. I don’t realize it when I am headed in that direction because I always just think I have just been in really good spirits of late and it never occurs to me that it could be anything hormonal or chemically induced when it always is. I’m sure that is just denial on my part but it’s mine so I don’t care. My house has never been cleaner and more organized and I haven’t had this much time to sit and relish in for as long as I can remember. I do know however, when I am in the middle of it because the second I stop and think about the irrationality of it all, the walls around me are spinning like I am in the eye of a twister and everything blowing around me in the whirlwind of mania is irritatingly frustrating. I am sure I live and breathe in the same little world I am in now that I did a month ago. Except right now everything is flawed and I, being the superior being that I am, am the one who feels she has to “fix it all”. With this Super Shann mentality also comes the resentment, anger, disappointment and then eventually guilt for having felt so ugly about the way I am seeing life. I have just not gotten to that phase yet.
I might be surprised to know that other people may feel the same things I am feeling right now and they may not even have the bipolar diagnosis or treatment going on, it’s just normal. Sometimes my sister tells me when I am struggling with feelings that seem irrational to me at the time, that they are normal and that always seems to shock me into sanity during my “depressive” moments. The worst part of all of this is the part where I have to recognize my attitude for the mind disease that it roots from and humbly check myself, admit to the ones I love and have been mean to that I acted irrationally and f*cking remind them that I have mental illness and that is why I acted that way.
I seriously hate that I have to remind people that I am sick in the head. You would think after so much time they would figure it out and go with the flow I mean, once I realize why I feel the way I do it makes sense. You would think being on the receiving end of my cray time and time and again they would begin to see a pattern or something.
Nevertheless, I am being so open and honest because I do recognize that I am hypo-manic right now and also because it will help me to keep some sort of record of it. I am not the least bit proud of what I am experiencing, with the exception of how clean my house has been, but it’s how I was made and life will go on. Usually when I get to this realization phase the descent into sanity is close at hand. The tears will fall, my husband and I will kiss and make up and hopefully I wont start eating like a heifer again. I have been doing SO good eating clean and meatless and so little I feel amazing and don’t want to lose that!! bahhh!!!!
Oh the bipolar life.. It certainly is an interesting one.