I am a huge narcissist.
I wasn’t sure if that was really true but having taken a 40+ day hiatus from Facebook in my big quest for holiness and discipline(joking), and lets be honest, destroying the idol in my life, I am finding out just how true it really is. On the days leading up to Ash Wednesday I had the worst anxiety about the decision I had plastered all over the facebook and I was freaking out a bit. How was I going to really step back away from my fan base? How were they going to be able to go on without me and my ridiculous updates they love so much?!! Its hilarious even admitting these thoughts I had but never spoke aloud, but I was really a little pathetically tortured about falling off the grid and being strong while I did it.
The rules of fasting for Lent go, Sunday is a day of rest up to and including resting from fasting. So every once in a while I would peek on Facebook on a Sunday and do a little snooping in some groups, on pages of a few friends just to make sure they were okay and basically kept it very quick and then that was it. Last year I had bipped on a few times on Sundays and the Pharisees went on a rampage calling me out for breaking my fast and it was always people who hadn’t a clue what fasting for Lent was even about, it was absolutely ridiculous to say the least. I had decided I was going as undercover as possible and to make slip ups even less of a temptation, I deleted the app off of my phone. Longer rant shorter, after being called out this morning by my own mother because some gossips went into her salon and threw me under the bus about having posted photos on Instagram, I have come to some conclusions regarding social media and my narcissistic need I think I need to fulfill.
I have really sort of enjoyed having stepped back and disconnected from my timeline. It’s been nice not having something to say about everything and it almost feels as if it has slowed down the over thinking I am always doing. The down side of it is, everyone is pretty much plugged in to Facebook and by everyone I’m talking from elementary school kids to great grandparents. And when just about everyone is posting just about everything they do and all that is going on in their lives, it’s becoming habit to assume that the people in your life know what is happening with you all the time. Being disconnected from Facebook I know very little about what is going on in my little world and I have missed the death of friends parents who, had I known, I’d have loved nothing more than to comfort and love on them but no one said anything to me because “it was on facebook”. I have missed several birthdays of some amazing people I would have loved to have boasted about publicly. I have missed out on many parties and events that I would have liked to have attended but because I “wasn’t on the facebook” no one even bothered to reach out beyond the facebook and let me know they were going on. I have also missed out on quite a few business opportunities to make cakes for people that I would have LOVED to have blessed but at the same time, all the other inquiries all of the time were quite exhausting and stressful and I have honestly enjoyed laying low and not overfilling my plate, especially with having the new puppy to give so much attention to.
Coming up on the end of this Lenten fast I have become very aware of how things are now and that there is no stopping this social tsunami and the momentum it has to continue to suck people in. And knowing all of this and still choosing to remain disconnected from it beyond the fast, I have to really consider if it is “wise” or not, mostly because of all the things I feel like I am missing that I wish I wasn’t. I used Facebook as a forum for me, just like everyone else does. And having stepped off the podium and lifting my face up out of the confines of my phone screen,I have realized there is so much more to life that I have developed a greater appreciation for that I didn’t recognize before. Not expressing every thought, everything I eat or don’t and every detail of my daily life and not knowing every. single. thing everyone else is thinking, eating, and not eating in addition to all the drama that happens when everyone is talking at the same time has been SO nice. There is no way I will just cut myself completely off because of all the friends I have made all over the place who I cherish so dearly. I cant imagine killing the lifeline that brought us into each others lives in the first place and so we’re clear, I wont be.
But being in the actual here and now has proven to be a beautiful thing and being in direct connection with people outside a public forum has become something I desire to have more of. I feel like that is what I should be doing, how I should be spending my time and who I should be focusing on rather than trying to get as many people as I possibly can to listen to what I have to say and “like it”. I thought this fast was going to bring me closer to Jesus and to see a greater need for Him which I know I will always have because lets face it, one can never have enough of Him and who knows?? Perhaps one day I will see that is precisely what happened.