It’s a funny thing when suddenly, somehow, between the tears pouring down your face, you can have an epiphany and then the tears quickly just stop as if someone turned off the faucet in your eyes and wrapped a blanket around your heart. I know that I have a terrible habit of reacting too quickly and over reacting even faster and more loudly. And then it is when I finally take a breath that the Lord is like, “okay, so are you ready to listen to what I have to say about it now”??
All these years I have chosen to make the hardest part of my life, the biggest challenge that I have had to face, the most difficult person I have had to deal with and her constant ability to nonchalantly fail at life and lay the burden on my husband, somehow something that God has decided He wants me to deal with. I have been a straight up martyr for the step mothers of America and have accepted this ridiculousness as this thorn in my side when perhaps it wasn’t the intention of the Lord for it to be mine at all. Sure, with every obstacle you go through in marriage both people can learn from them, and with every boulder that kid has dropped onto our home, I have grown in grace and mercy, patients and even gotten sober and closer to the Lord through it. For ALL of those experiences I can be grateful and give glory to God that we are still married and no one is dead or in jail. But it wasnt until this morning, at the great late epiphany, that it occurred to me that maybe I am not the one who is suppose to be “growing” necessarily and that these trials with this child keep becoming my own because I keep taking the weight and the burden of them and not letting them lie on the one who has sort of created this monster, her father.
Every time this kid burns a bridge with the people she has used to escape the last disaster she created, she has always been able to rest assured her dad is going to find her a new home to destroy, masked with the intentions of rebuilding her life. And every time he does this I am so hopeful that she will actually succeed because as much as I dont like her, I dont want to see her fail. I mean, I am exhausted seeing this kid continue to make the same mistakes and blame everyone else for her having made them. I feel bad for the people who have been drug into this mess time and time again. I feel bad for the people who are next in line to allow her in because they have NO idea what they are in for, and at the same time I hold on to a tiny piece of hope that she will actually make it work this time. While my hope for her is all good and my heart toward her keeps changing, her dad has somehow managed to remain the same through it all. And while I choose to take the burden of this child into my own heart, mind and spirit and let it cause us division in our marriage, he LETS me because it takes the pressure off of himself to step up and own it himself. It’s much easier to let someone else bare the brunt of your bad actions or non reactions and to let them be the blame for you having to react to the wrong that is happening if and when you ever do react. And that is where we are.
Suddenly I am realizing that this isn’t suppose to be my “problem” and that I shouldn’t be protecting him from whatever outcome is going to come as a result of him getting some balls and correcting his spoiled brat of a daughter. Of course it’s easy to say now I understand what is happening here, but to be completely honest I have NO idea how I am going to be able to let this one go. I have to only hope that because God knows what the bigger picture is, He will equip me with whatever it is that He knows I will need to break the habit of carrying all the garbage brought into our lives because of this kid and putting it on my husband where it belongs. It has come to a point where I think he’s going to have to deal with this one figuratively on his own. There is no one left in his family to side with him and flatter the idea that I am the one who has the problem with his daughter who is a perfect angel. By him having pawned her off on his family they have had their eyes opened to who she is and have suddenly come to a place of repentance for having believed for 13 years I am a big fat liar out to demonize a child. Imagine that.
I have the biggest migraine building behind my left eye as I type this out and although the tears have seized, I feel so crappy inside still. The fact that this is happening once again and that I am in a position where I have to check my heart, once again and examine if I truly understand what it means to forgive 70×7 times and once I come to that understanding, how will I act in obedience to it if it means I have to do something I dont want to do like, let her back into our home when she steals from us and calls me a whore and all sorts of other disgusting things, blehhhhhh
But I will cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime I just need to keep in a mind of worship, stay focused on the Lord and not on how bad this situation sucks and somehow be able to set down my pride and not put up walls with my husband just because I don’t like the way he doesn’t deal with his daughter. And hopefully I will not throw him over the bridge in the meantime, I wont promise that though.