Sometimes I wonder if my waking up to feeling so many emotions is because of the bipolar disorder or because the feelings I am having are valid. I heard a preacher I respect a couple of weeks ago mention that feelings aren’t something we should act on in any sort of obedience that our minds are very deceived and feelings come from our minds and so on. Then I have to wonder though, if I am feeling torn in my spirit, which is filled with the holy spirit, how much of this is really just “feelings” that can not be trusted?
I wrote on facebook today “if you have to ask “is it wrong to…..” before addressing an issue at hand, you have to already know it is”. And as much as I really have been feeling convictions regarding that, because I DO that so often, I also wonder if there truly IS any validity to that question. I honestly sometimes do not know if it truly IS wrong for…….. enter thing here. I know more often than not I DO use that statement to be funny and in jest and I need to stop that. But right now I am truly wondering, and maybe I do already know the answer, but here it is anyway…
Is it wrong that I am so sick and tired of being a servant
Now, I know a million times everything about that question is obvious, so don’t get me wrong here. I didn’t want to try to justify the question with a bunch of explanations so I just typed my woe straight out. And putting it that way, clearly the answer is in the question and clearly I need to repent for my selfishness. Or do I?
kind of tired.
I really wasn’t expecting this cake thing to boom the way that it has and although it has been amazing seeing what the Lord is allowing me to come up with and create, I am really beginning to grow resentful. I had said 2 years ago, almost 3 years ago, when I started this that if it ever became “a job” and I ever started to dread doing it, I wasn’t going to do it any longer. I said that not knowing there would be people who would eventually come to a place where they depend on me to be the one to make a cake for their event. It is absolutely flattering that anyone would want ME for something so special. So to say “I’m tired and not doing this anymore” really sort of convicted me this morning and I immediately deleted my status where I said that for fear of letting people down. So then I begin to wonder what my priorities are? As much as I am beginning to HATE being too tired for things on the weekend and or missing out on things on the weekend because I am “working on cakes”, knowing I am sacrificing time with my family (which is sometimes confused with “playing”) so that I can be serving others (which can sometimes be confused with working) really blows my mind as to how imbalanced are my priorities in all of this.
It’s not just the cake thing either..
The cake thing just kind of brings out all these other “things” that are tearing me up inside lately. Things that I do have the ability to take charge of and “just say no” to, but in doing so, I am going to either 1.hurt the feelings of someone else or 2. let them down because they need me in order to complete something for themselves. Sometimes I seriously feel like a mother pig with a grip load of sucklings and all I can do is lay there and let them suck the life out of me because I love them and it makes them happy and it satisfies their life and whatever I need to get done or whatever rest I need or whatever body part is SCREAMING in agony for me to give it a rest I just press through the pain as to not disrupt the flow of the lives of those who need me.
I guess at the end of the day what I really need to do instead of writing this on social media, is get on my knees and ask the Lord what is it I am suppose to be doing right now. If my feelings are based on selfishness and I need to repent of that, convict me. If what I am feeling is justified, help me to be able to say no to people for a time. I said I was going to take the summer off and I truly believe I need to do that. I am just torn about who I will be letting down in the process and truthfully, none of those faces are the ones that I live with every day.