I did this to me

It blows me away how quickly I can fall back in to bad habits. It’s only with some things though, not all. I have been free from drugs for a good couple of years now and I even went so far as to NOT attend a Pearl Jam concert because I couldn’t imagine being around so much weed and not longing for it and probably smoking it. That was a hard decision to make and it took many tears and humble admission to have to make it and while I’m glad I did, it still sort of stings from time to time.

After losing 40 pounds in less than a year and getting to a size that I could stand looking at myself n the mirror again, it is almost disgusting how easy it was, once I reached my goal, to start eating all wrong all over again. My sister had taken the scale out of our office because, being an addict, I was obsessing over the numbers every few hours of every day. But it was like once she did, and once I stopped concerning myself with my numbers, I stopped concerning myself with what I was eating. It was almost like “she thinks i’m doing fine and it’s all good so I don’t have to worry about it anymore and I can eat whatever because, I’m good.”

Pffft NO!!!

I discovered that she hadn’t actually taken the scale home but just put it in a cupboard that I opened one day on accident and it was then that I realized, as well as the rounding of my cheeks, that I had gained about 10 pounds back quite quickly.I really had to fight with myself about 1. how it felt to see how quickly I gained the weight back 2. how worth it were those pints of Chunky Monkey and sugary junk after how sick and disgusting I feel ALL the time and 3. what am I going to do about this. I am only behind 10 pounds which doesn’t change the amazing fact that I have already lost 30!! And I really need to look at this like, as with any addictive behaviour that is, was, and will be difficult to overcome, not only can I, but I will probably fail. I will fail, I will recognize I have failed and I will have to start over and try again. Not even with addictive behaviour but shoot, with anything in life that I have learned from swimming, to riding a bike and even most recently I was reminded of the time I figured out how to use a tampon correctly and what an achievement that was lol. It took LOTS of horrible practice and patience but eventually I figured it out and it became just one of those things. 

I imagine eating healthy and being healthy will one day become “just one of those things” I do naturally, eventually. After nearly 3 decades of bad habits I’m not sure why I thought less than a year of correcting my natural patterns would make for a lifetime of perfect, healthy food choices, but I did. I see now that I was horribly mistaken and that is okay. I really need to NOT beat myself up about this and instead, get back on track and press on. My body is really reacting to the way I nourish it and I recognize it. The constant pain I have been feeling, the achy joints, the pulled muscles, swollen ankles and this STUPID Achilles tendentious I have suddenly acquired as a result of walking or whatever, in addition to stomach aches, diarrhea, headaches, chronic fatigue I mean on and on and on, ALL related to the garbage I have been taking in after a year of eating clean.

If, after everything that I have experienced with feeling the best I ever have in my entire life by eating clean and now feeling the worst I have ever felt in my entire life by eating garbage, if these experiences aren’t enough for me to care about myself and others because lets face it, if Mom feels like crap it puts a damper on EVERYTHING for everyone else, I am truly sicker in the head than I originally thought. I am more selfish, foolish, irresponsible and a glutton for punishment than I thought a person could possibly be. I guess in the coming weeks we’ll see how this turns out. I began this week with making a fridge full of juices and have begun the detox process which, in all honesty, is absolutely disgusting. I feel so bad for my poor husband and son and the flatulence and stank that is protruding from my body, but I know it’s only temporary. I started on some Omega3’s, some red rice yeast and multi vitamins this time around as I was feeling almost malnourished as I was melting away. In addition to the green tea/bee pollen supplements I’ve been taking I’ve increased my water intake and am just a detoxing machine. I cant wait to start to feel better again, and I seriously seriously seriously hope I remember how disgusting I feel and how bad I hate feeling this way and that I know what caused it… I did. 

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2 thoughts on “I did this to me

  1. The good thing is that you recognized and have admitted that you slipped. You will soon be on your way back to the healthier eating and feeling much better again. Good for you for having the courage to admit what happened and catch it in time.

  2. Ditto to the comment above. At least you’re realized and are willing to admit what’s going on – as opposed to finding an excuse for it, or denying it or something. It’s great to lose all that weight, but it’s different to just maintain. I’m sure you’ll find a reasonable middle ground where you don’t feel like you’re depriving yourself, but are still eating healthy and are able to be happy with everything!

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