Unworthy is a thing

My husband has planned a birthday party for me on Sunday as my daughter and I share a birthday and she likes to celebrate hers ON the day. I couldnt care less to celebrate mine at all to be honest. While I appear to be an overly outgoing person, or at least I once was, I have found that since I began a new office career out of the clutches of the public eye, I have become far more recluse. I’ve never had the option of celebrating my birthday really, at least not since my daughter got old enough to start deciding it was HER birthday anyway. When she was little it was easy for me to just devote the day to my baby girl and people would almost always forget we were born on the same day, until they sang happy birthday and then “Oh yeahhhhhh”.

Oh yeah.

So when I turned 40 last year I didn’t want “a party”. I only know one way to party and I dont live like that anymore so I didnt see the point of inviting over a bunch of people who still party and watching them do so. So because dead horses just cant lie (whatever that really means) I had to agree to “go do something” and we ended up at thee single worst vulgar dueling piano bar in the Inland Empire watching a bunch of other people we didn’t know “party it up” while we sat in shock like frigid sticks in frozen mud. I am almost positive there were cheers of glee when we all got up long before midnight and left completely mortified and I felt horrible for the people I was forced by my birthright to make endure such a night. Originally I was a little pissed off that none of my friends from church came that were invited but even now, looking back and still feeling a little tinge of rejection I am really glad they didn’t, I can not even imagine what that would have been like. The real truth of the matter is for the first time in my life I actually can honestly say I have God fearing, Christ serving and imperfect FRIENDS from church and I don’t know how to behave.

I am pretty sure my husband has invited a bunch of them over for a bbq after church on Sunday and while I AM paying for a 20 ft water slide because I thought it sounded like fun for the three of us and my other immediate family to play on for the day, I have a feeling “other people” are going to come and I am literally freaking out about it. I don’t want to assume that is why I got the worst migraine ever last night but nowt that I am talking about all of this to my computer I feel my head beginning to spin again. 40 has been a great year for me. Between losing 40 pounds and feeling better about myself I STILL don’t know how to totally accept compliments from people, but I am learning. I don’t like a big fuss being made about me,  I guess in a way I don’t feel like I deserve it. I know that’s horrible to say but it’s true deep down. I am dreading having to open presents because I am embarrassed that people felt obligated to buy me something, again because I feel like I dont deserve anything. I’m happy enough if they felt like coming to celebrate with me over a nice meal and a slip and slide, but you didnt have to shower me with gifts..

Ugh

I should stop because I am stressing myself out.

We are going to costco which I am simply over joyed about!! I never get to go there and I cant wait!! Even though I know we are going to get food for this swearer these cheeky monkeys in my life have schemed up.I apologize if I seem ungrateful, I’m truly not. I feel unworthy, there is a difference.I need to get over it.

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