Seeing is believing

Yesterday I confirmed my hesitation about visiting the doctors office for a check up. I have been experiencing pain, swelling and just aching since I started walking this past fall. It makes absolutely no sense to me because I would have assumed taking care of my body would perhaps make it feel better but alas, I feel awful. I stopped exercising and I’m not even kidding, every time the thought of even going back out there my ankle swells up and I have trouble walking again, it’s absolutely ridiculous. 

Everyone keeps telling me to go to the doctor.. go get it checked out and I don’t listen. I refuse to go. I don’t want to go because I am afraid it’s just going to be nothing and I don’t want to waste $30 for them to tell me I’m a hypochondriac or something.Well, that has been my view of the whole “getting a check up” anyway up until yesterday when I realized that my other fear has come forth as reality.

We were at the mall Christmas shopping, yeah that’s right. There isn’t much time between then and now and if I can blow it out a little at  a time that is awesome, but I digress. The husband had made me an appointment to get my eyes checked a few weeks ago and I couldn’t make it and since we were there I told him to go see if they had any walk in appointments available…. and they did. Now, I was also hesitant to go to the eye doctor because I figured he was just going to tell me to go get some reading glasses from the 99 cent store or something. When he said ” I cant believe you drive with your vision” was when I realized the bigger reason I don’t want to have my body checked out, because I don’t want to hear that something is genuinely wrong with me. I am pretty upset that he was able to say without any scheme to get insurance money that my eyesight is horrible and when he got my prescription right on the little devise he used and he had me look through it and then removed it and asked which one was better I was floored. How could it really be that I could see better with glasses???? I’ve never had any issues with my eyes, this is ridiculous!! 

There is a small sense of relief, a very small sense because I am glad I am not just a complainer or delusional about how awful my eye sight really is. I’m not sure why I have that mentality but when I think about how long I refused to admit I had issues with depression and possibly bipolar disorder only to actually very clearly be diagnosed with it by a professional thus kind of confirming what I thought all along, I have to wonder how many of these other things going on are a reality not caused by a confession. I could blame having been raised for a good period of time in a “faith” church where you couldn’t “confess” any kind of ailment you thought you might have because that was like practically cursing yourself with said ailment. It makes perfect sense why I am so hesitant to allow a diagnosis for these issues I’m having, being programmed to think a certain way for so long but having grown in the Word and knowing I am not in fact damning myself to blindness and lupus (which is what I have decided is my self diagnosis). 

 If these glasses really help me open my eyes to see more clearly, maybe I should be more open minded about seeking proper treatment NOT from that of the WebMD. In 2 weeks we shall see. 


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