I know that my inability to remain recluse with my words and what I say is either going to be my demise or my advance in this life. I also know that it’s not so much of an “inability” as much as it is the fact that I just don’t know any other way to say things.
For example, my language.
I can remember the day I was walking home from 1st grade with a friend who proceeded to teach me all the “bad words”. S, F, A, D, AH, MF I mean you name it, she taught them to me, although reluctantly, the more I asked the more she shared and from that day on those words became staples in my every day use of the English language(when my parents weren’t present, obviously). I think I was never taught “WHY” they were so horrible, never knew the root of each word or even the damage it could cause in situations or circumstances should I choose to say them out loud, except that I would be in big trouble up to and including “having my mouth washed out with soap”.
I think as a young girl I wasn’t as vocal with the words but as I got older and more mature, I have become more comfortable with speaking those words out loud in conversations with people. I constantly tell my husband that Luke 6:45 doesn’t apply to me, technically. I mean, I don’t speak those words out of anger or with bad intent, I guess I don’t even think of them as “bad words”. I don’t know if that makes me sound completely ignorant or uneducated which, it shouldn’t because I am not a moron. But in my heart of hearts, fuck is just a word that is often times, quite useful. (really, watch that video. it’s as if I made it myself)
Now before you start totally judging me, which is your right, know that I am rather selective about who I am most comfortable with speaking directly with. Quite honestly, I have been a little more, dare I say convicted, about the words I use in my daily speech, mostly because people are ALWAYS going to make a judgement by what you look like, sound like, speak like, smell like, and that’s fine. We are observers by nature, it happens and so I am mindful. Yes, mindful. But all of this to get to the point where I say that I often times wonder if my transparency is a blessing or a curse, or just a little of both. As a Christian I am “expected” to behave a certain way and that’s fine, accountability is good, appearance is good I mean, why sound like a sailor and claim to be a saint? But also as a Christian, I am expected to be real, be who I am, not be a liar, a hypocrite, a fake and in my opinion AS A CHRISTIAN who is completely imperfect and NEEDS Jesus and believes in Jesus who would I be pretending to be if I was anything other than transparent and honest with both my positive qualities and my not so positive or acceptable ones.
I think it’s a gift.
I think it’s a gift that i have that I would really, truly and in all honesty rather have someone dislike me for who I am, good AND not so good, than like me for someone I am not. I cant be someone I don’t know how to be. I can TRY to be a better version of myself and represent Christ to the best of my ability as to not cause anyone to stumble in their own minds about who I am. My ignorance is NO excuse to be a complete failure and not to even try and I will never simply lay down and say, ” I cant be better so I’m not going to even try”, that’s stupid. But there is a very fine line between being true to others and pretending to be better than them by living a total lie or pretending to have all your shit together (when we all know you really don’t) all because you don’t want them to think you are something other than what you really are.
Okay, that was confusing. I’m going to have a mean green for lunch