It’s the most, dreadful time, of the year

I got up this morning, more reluctantly than usual since it’s still kind of dark at 6am, went outside to feed my hens and noticed not only the crispy chill in the air but the moisture on top of the container where we keep their feed. It was then that I realized, not that fall is really actually upon us like most people probably would optimistically realize, but the pessimist that I am realized the dreaded holiday season is JUST around the corner, and then I suddenly fell into a state of depression.

Our holiday get togethers are NOTHING like the ones we had when I was a young girl. My grandparents on my fathers side have passed on and they were the central glue that held the family together. We use to all cram into their house, eat tamales, potato salad, beans, rice, and either ham or turkey and tortillas. Oh I love tortillas. My mothers side of the family would always meet at my great aunts house and we would usually show up after stuffing our faces and a good triptofan nap. The food would still be out but cold and the adults would be sitting at the giant dining room table getting ready to play cards or some board game. Us kids would always put together some sort of “show” for the adults while they played their games and they would have to bring their hand made ticket to the event, break away from their game and come watch whatever it was we put together. I still don’t know where we got the idea to do variety shows, maybe because we were all so different and each wanted to be able to express our individuality. Doesn’t matter much anymore because that family is completely broken and no one even talks to each other anymore.

Divorce, abuse, unforgiveness, resentment, jealousy the list of sin goes on and on as the reasons our family is so broken anymore, and even sitting here thinking about it as I type it out I almost want to cry. I hate that my children wont get to experience those special holiday times with their entire extended family and maybe I shouldnt be so bah humbug about being able to get together with the ones that I love that DO like each other, but even that is distorted!! My parents decided 27 years was long enough to be married and 10 years later I am in a situation where my dad is living with us and my mom is trying to figure out what is going to happen for Thanksgiving. Oh, it also happens to be dads birthday that day this year, so not only am I backed into a corner to choose which parent I will spend the holiday with but I have the grueling task of telling my mother and her immediate family what we have decided is best to do.

The whole thing is just bullshit to be frank. It’s all just bullshit that is dumped on my sister and I who had NOTHING to do with any of it. We were just the kids at the bottom of the totem pole who got to be on the receiving end of all the crap that ran down it and yet WE are the ones who have to make the decision “who will you choose to do Thanksgiving with”?  My husband and I, thankfully, are taking off to the east coast Christmas night and since we have made a ritual of spending the afternoon with the homeless at the park by the riverbed on Christmas day after going to my mothers house for her traditional breakfast, it leaves no room for anything else and for that I am glad….even though that is awful.

These holidays shouldn’t be so dreadful!! They are suppose to be a time to be thankful, a time to appreciate our blessings, our saviour, each other and yet it all just feels like a huge hassle and I hate it. It’s a crazy thing sin (unrepentance, arrogance, pride, divorce, abuse etc) can do to the family isn’t it?


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