Without fail it would seem that whenever I drop my guard in my marriage and seem to be moving ahead in the forgiveness process, the reason for my hurt and bitterness always seems to pop it’s head back into our marriage and the wounds reopen. I may never understand how people can be so oblivious in daily life during challenging situations, particularly ones in which the person they love is constantly the one being affected by their poor choices. I guess when it doesn’t hurt you directly you don’t really think about what you are saying and you just barf it out without any regard to the fact that more than likely you are breaking someones heart, again.
As many times as i remind myself that there isn’t anything I can do to change my own past mistakes and choices I have made it still always seems to blow my mind when people around me continue in the choices they make with the full knowledge that it hurts others. I know no one is perfect. I know that no relationship is perfect either and I think it is hilarious when people attempt to live their public lives as if everything is solid and nothing is ever wrong. Especially when you can look into the eyes of their mate and you can see the pain, sorrow and hurt in the depth of their tired brown eyes.
I am going to choose to not flip out and I am going to TRY to believe that the minor brief outburst that I had was enough to scare the hell out of the worlds stupidest idea. I am going to hope that the situation doesn’t worsen and that there will be an out for this person and neither myself or her father will be a part of it… Okay well I wont be because God knows he cant let her get out of her mess on her own. All the while I will continue to wonder WHY God would keep allowing this child to run into dead end situations and somehow continue to be “that thing” in my marriage. That “thing” that can seriously be the all time breaking point in our relationship. I mean, how many times do I REALLY need to be put up to the test with this kid? What was it that I have done that was so deserving of carrying the weight of this persons IDIOTIC decisions when her own mother cant even be bothered? What is it that I need so desperately to learn from this that I haven’t already? I am not the one burning bridges all around me. I am not the one who cant get along with anyone. I do not feel any sense of entitlement. I mean, why in the world is it SO necessary for me to be on the receiving end of this kids ridiculous life when she is the one who keeps screwing it up.
I’ve said it once and I will say it again… NEVER EVER EVER, marry a man who has ONE daughter and a deranged ex wife.