There is an older woman at church who I have recently been “befriended by” on Facebook and when that happens, if you are MY friend, you end up really getting a good look into my life and what goes on in it because I am an open book and I guess kind of a narcissist and put it all out there because I think people give a crap. Some do, surprisingly. When I take my official “Lenten fast from Facebook” I have people come up to me in the grocery store who, I didn’t even know followed my page, tell me they hate that I am not on there and miss my posts. That does kind of give me a hint of an ego boost I ain’t gonna lie, but that isnt why I am on social media either. But that’s for another day.
So this week I have a huge wedding dessert table to put together for my second cousin who is having her “formal wedding” on Saturday. By dessert table I mean, the huge wedding cake and then plates, trays and risers of decorated sugar cookies, rice krispy hearts, chocolate covered marshmallows on sticks, cupcakes, and those bloody awful cake pops I hate making so much. Not only will I make all this stuff but I have created the whole “shabby chic” rustic wedding theme with an array of skill I have acquired via Pinterest and these fabulous cutting machines that I have purchased over the years and finally figured out how to operate.
I will have to go to the reception venue that I have never seen and create this rustic wonderland of sweet desserts, flag banners and pallet signs decorated in vinyl quotes and burlap. Tons and tons of burlap. Putting it all together hasnt so much been the issue either. Most of this vision comes very naturally and you know the more I do these events and the great response they get and how successfully they turn out I seriously wonder if God is ever going to open the door for me to be able to totally quit my job and do this full time. As it is I am working part time now and then doing this in almost all the spare time I have not in the office, not ALL orders are like this, some just take an hour a day or just one night a week. But an event like this wedding is VERY time consuming and I was paid a nice amount for my work, not particularly my time because it’s family and I love my family and don’t charge for my time. But I often wonder, will a day ever come when I can charge for my time? Will that ever be “what I do”? I hate thinking about it and I never actually pray about it because I guess deep down inside I am sort of afraid to take such a leap, even though I know it could be totally successful. I’m not bragging.
SO this woman asks me almost every day, ” How do you even do all of this? Do you ever sleep”? Of course I sleep. Having bipolar disorder DOES often times make keeping super busy really easy and the need for sleep very lax, but I sleep. My mind doesn’t necessarily shut off not ever, but I do get to rest my body. I guess I do wonder what people think my life is really like with everything that I do and most of the time I think about the negative, particularly with people who think these things I do should be on the back burner and I should take more time working on my house that they don’t like but whatever. Not going there today either.
I am at a wall where I have to figure out
- How am I going to get all this done
- How much time to I need to get it all done
- Do I go to bed early tonight and get up again before the sun and HOPE I get ahead
- What time do I need to be at the venue to set up
- How long do I think it will take
- If I am up all night on Friday trying to get all this done, do I go to the venue before the wedding to set up with having had very little sleep and then have to stay up most of that day and night for the wedding and reception
- OR do I go down to the venue(an hour away) an hour before the wedding and forego the wedding ceremony, set up during the ceremony and have everything all fresh and ready to go in the 3 hours before the reception starts?
I might sleep, but I don’t stop thinking… And THAT is my biggest downfall. I know it will all work out in the end, I just think too much about how it will all go down until it’s over with. THAT is why I am exhausted right now and THAT is why I want to go sit on a rock under the warm sun and just cry. But I cant and so I have my diffuser on full blast filled with lavender oil instead.