Is it possible that I could be so arrogant as to assume that when challenges arise in my home life, particularly of the blended family nature, somehow God is trying to show ME something. There is something that He wants ME to learn, ME to work through, ME to grow in this situation. The honest truth be told, I don’t know if there is possibly ANY room for growth in this situation aside from me having to be a complete and total schmuck of a woman, and act like everything is great, none of this kills me inside and these people who continually break my heart are Gods gift to my life.
Now, knowing how much He loves me, I can not possibly see how or WHY I should assume God would want his precious daughter to sit back and pretend that the verbal abuse I endure, and have for 14 years from this child(who is now 21) and the ignorance of her father and his complete disregard for me and my feelings about it and what it does to me as a woman, as a wife to a man who allows this abuse to continue and never holds this child accountable but expects ME to continue to endure it, and then doesn’t understand why I wont. I don’t know what it is that God could possibly want to teach ME by allowing me to go through this once again. Yet, here we are. Once again. And there I am, putting this all on me I guess because out of love for my husband and our little son who is here not understanding what in the hell is going on, I take the brunt of this all.
Out of love for my family I take on this abuse and the notion that I am the problem, that I am the one who is in the wrong for not forgiving this girl, again. That I am the asshole wife for allowing this hurt to resurface and not just forgive him for once again, having his head stuck up his ass when it comes to that kid of his. When I heard of her return to California I had hoped that because things have been so much better in our marriage since she moved away to destroy the lives of others for a change, maybe, just MAYBE, the foundation we had rebuilt would be solidified enough for him to not let the little creeper back in to destroy it..again. How stupid of me.
It drives me bonkers to feel like such a weak woman and I KNOW it confuses the hell out of people who see me as a strong willed woman who couldn’t possibly take any shit from this kid. It is what it is though. And once again, I am the one crying about it. I am the one speaking out against it, trying to remind my husband that she told me straight out “you are dead to me”(because somehow he’d forgotten about that haha) and that the fact that I have been cordial to her should be enough but that I don’t want her spending the night in my house Is unjustified, just reminds me again of where I stand in this marriage.
I don’t know why God is allowing this to happen again, especially when He knows better than anyone neither of them have grown, neither of them have changed their position in this matter., and honestly, because I am the one losing sleep with the broken heart and in tears about it.