The One who really knows

Is it possible that I could be so arrogant as to assume that when challenges arise in my home life, particularly of the blended family nature, somehow God is trying to show ME something. There is something that He wants ME to learn, ME to work through, ME to grow in this situation. The honest truth be told, I don’t know if there is possibly ANY room for growth in this situation aside from me having to be a complete and total schmuck of a woman, and act like everything is great, none of this kills me inside and these people who continually break my heart are Gods gift to my life.

Now, knowing how much He loves me, I can not possibly see how or WHY I should assume God would want his precious daughter to sit back and pretend that the verbal abuse I endure, and have for 14 years from this child(who is now 21) and the ignorance of her father and his complete disregard for me and my feelings about it and what it does to me as a woman, as a wife to a man who allows this abuse to continue and never holds this child accountable but expects ME to continue to endure it, and then doesn’t understand why I wont. I don’t know what it is that God could possibly want to teach ME by allowing me to go through this once again. Yet, here we are. Once again. And there I am, putting this all on me I guess because out of love for my husband and our little son who is here not understanding what in the hell is going on, I take the brunt of this all.

Out of love for my family I take on this abuse and the notion that I am the problem, that I am the one who is in the wrong for not forgiving this girl, again. That I am the asshole wife for allowing this hurt to resurface and not just forgive him for once again, having his head stuck up his ass when it comes to that kid of his. When I  heard of her return to California I had hoped that because things have been so much better in our marriage since she moved away to destroy the lives of others for a change, maybe, just MAYBE, the foundation we  had rebuilt would be solidified enough for him to not let the little creeper back in to destroy it..again. How stupid of me.

It drives me bonkers to feel like such a weak woman and I KNOW it confuses the hell out of people who see me as a strong willed woman who couldn’t possibly take any shit from this kid. It is what it is though. And once again, I am the one crying about it. I am the one speaking out against it, trying to remind my husband that she told me straight out “you are dead to me”(because somehow he’d forgotten about that haha) and that the fact that I have been cordial to her should be enough but that  I don’t want her spending the night in my house Is unjustified, just reminds me again of where I stand in this marriage.

I don’t know why God is allowing this to happen again, especially when He knows better than anyone neither of them have grown, neither of them have changed their position in this matter., and honestly, because I am the one losing sleep with the broken heart and in tears about it.


2 thoughts on “The One who really knows

  1. Sweetshann I really can’t think of a better name for you. Sometimes I just sit back in awe of you b/c you aren’t afraid to show the real you. With everything that means your flaws, your victories, your struggles. I’m not going to even pretend I know what you are going through with your step daughter b/c I don’t. I do know that lately every message God has sent me is reminding me that the people around me who claim to be Christian don’t have the real deal. They are too selfish. He’s reminding me that in order to be like Christ I have to be selfless. Everything I go through and endure I deserve, but Christ died on a cross, was mutilated, gave His life and not once did He deserve what He received. It is the mercy of God that allows me each day to take another breath when all I deserve is hell. I want to encourage you. I’m not sure I’m doing that, but I’m trying. Every message my pastor has given lately or message I’ve heard on the radio is a message I need. A message that speaks clearly to my soul. Shows me that I am failing God. That He is in control no matter how out of control our lives seem. That His promises are real and that He cares for His children. His love is perfect and our love is nothing compared to His perfection. Your step daughter doesn’t deserve love, but neither do we. It makes me angry the way she treats you and I don’t think you should be a door mat. I’m going to pray for you, your husband, and her. She needs the God that we serve. Not some made up God that the world molds so they can follow Him with ease. But the real God who is worthy to be worshiped and obeyed. Who sent His Son to die for us when we deserved Hell. Everyday when I think of my sister who was killed in a car wreck this summer by someone who had no regard for human life and I’m reminded of him and how he deserves hell, I am quickly reminded that I too deserve Hell and with out the blood of Christ, His mercy, His grace that is where I would spend an eternity. Not b/c of anything I have done, but b/c of Christ and His love I don’t have to go there. I love you.

    • Thank you for your wisdom and reaching out. I heard a sermon this morning talking about Gods Love and how in the OT there were 10 commandments but in the NT there is but one. To love one another. I love her, regardless of how horrible of a person she is, I do. I wish something would knock her upside the head and change her heart and things would be better.
      I hate to admit but the last words I spoke to James last night were “I was wrong. She didnt say I was a whore. She said why dont I go cheat on her dad some more and then she said I am dead to her. I am a bitch, I ruined her life and I am dead to her”, just in case you truly forgot like you say you did”. I cant, with what I know now, believe for a second that she doesnt still feel that way about me. Right now she is being cool. I do not doubt for a second that something will piss her off, (like me not allowing her to stay at our house for any period of time) and she will start running her mouth again and he will say “im so done” again, and the cycle will repeat. My guard is up. But I do love her, as I am commanded to do and like you said, Not because of what she has done or who she is (obviously) but because of what Christ has done, who HE is to me and because I love Him. Thank you for praying.

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