It is absolutely crazy how many things one has to “relearn” when one chooses to change the way they live. As if changing the way I eat could POSSIBLY have anything to do with the way in which I understand Christ and His love for me. It can tho!!
I have always always always, despite my mothers saying “you were never taught to believe that way” seen God in a hell fire, brimstone, “where would you go if Jesus returned and you were doing _____” kind of way. I have always understood Him to be loving, forgiving and extensive of His grace, “IF”, and then yesterday at church our pastor presented the Gospel in such a way that responding to it by singing “Oh how He loves us” brought me to my seat weeping, so really no singing even happened, only snot. Yes. I responded to the Gospel with snot.
I know that I have this terrible terrible idea that I am not deserving of love from pretty much anyone and that any love that is offered to me is more than likely conditional. It explains SO much about my life up until this decision to “get clean” and as much as I hate having to address it even though I know that the breakthrough and healing is going to be phenomenal, just as convincing myself that eating healthy really WILL benefit me, Jesus love for me is because HE is awesome and never conditional.
Just as much as I never considered eating anything I felt like eating would eventually turn me into the person I always thought I looked like when I didn’t, I never considered that perhaps Jesus wasn’t this unforgiving, relentless God Father in the sky just WAITING to come back for the church right after I committed that unrepentant sin. I hate that I misunderstood Gods love for me for so long. I bet if I understood it more clearly, I could feel it more tenderly and be more accepting of love from others….
Eating clean, living clean and getting healthy is only a pixel of the big picture here.