I am not okay with any of this. Not that me not being okay with the circumstances in my life has ever made a difference. It was always just easier to let me self destruct so that I was the person to take the blame for every shitty thing I’ve done making everything else seem irrelevant.
In having an understanding of the dynamics of my home, one would assume eventually I would just grin and bare it. People like to say “I know what you’re going through”, but they don’t. This isn’t just a case of the blended family blues. I am not just feeling sorry for myself because once again I am being forced into a corner that I haven’t chosen to be forced in to.
This time it’s different. This time I am really being challenged to put every ounce of pride down. I have to put every ounce of bitterness down. I am in a situation where the ultimate test of forgiveness for another person who doesn’t deserve it has to be made by me. That the way Christ loves and unconditionally forgives me like his perfectly flawed adopted daughter, I must somehow mirror toward my own.
I am in a position where I have to actually stand on a podium and physically “practice what I preach” in front of every watching eye I have brought along for the ride of my life. I have set the stage for the past 14 years, I have prided myself in my transparency and with every wicked blow that I endured I took the hit and received remorse and encouragement from those who were watching. And now I have to somehow put all of what I have endured aside, and for the sake of an innocent life, I have to be the living and breathing example of the love and forgiveness Christ has shown me to someone who abused me for so long.
I see the paradox here. I’m no idiot, I see it. And while I would never insinuate the sacrifice that we are going to have to make for someone who is so very undeserving could possibly be ANYTHING like the sacrifice that was beaten into the innocent perfect God Man for our own redemption, the parallels to the situations are so similar (sans the whole being brutally beaten to death) it’s as though for the first time I am living the life that He has called me to live.
Everything bad that has happened, every heartache, every single youthful experience I had in my own life with my own children has been setting the stage for this time to come. And I am scared to death. Of rejection. Of humiliation. Of being once again made a fool of. Oh the list goes on and on. The moments I have dreaded are here and I have to be the one to use all the wisdom and knowledge I have accumulated over the years and put them into action for the glory of our God and the good of my family.
I will want to throat punch every person who tries to suggest they know what I am going through, because they don’t. Not like this. It’s not the same, it’s not the same at all. Its almost humorous. That God would choose me for this task. With everything I have already gone through, that He would allow someone’s free will to destroy what He made for good bring repentance and restoration to a situation that has been bad for so long.
I don’t expect it will be easy. Not one bit. I am positive that once the newness wears off the true colors will come out again, and it will get ugly. But it’s too soon to even think about that. I just need to step back and stare at the marquee for a while longer before we light it up for everyone else to see. And Lord knows I have a hard time keeping secrets.