Maybe I’m just a heartless wench but I never understood how women would get so upset about having a miscarriage very early into their pregnancy. I never considered how the news alone of what was to come and then their thinking about how their lives would be changed and then all the day dreaming and mental planning for such changes could seriously destroy them when they found out it wasn’t actually going to happen because the baby had stopped growing.
Sometimes it takes having to go through that situation yourself or with someone close to you in order for it to really hit the heart. I am not 100% sure with zero uncertainty that is what we are going to endure in the week to come. I do know that the ultrasound appointment we so anxiously anticipated going to so we can see our little peanut grand baby wasn’t ideal. I heard the tone in the doctors voice change from the shared excitement we had to the subtle sense of concern as he suggest a trans vaginal ultrasound now be done because for whatever reason, the surface ultrasound wasn’t showing him what he wanted to see.
There is a large flat screen tv on the wall across from where our daughter lay so that she could see what we were seeing. I’m glad she didn’t look up because with a smile on my face I stared at that screen at first with hopes to see that flickering little heart beat only to see an empty circle with nothing in it. Okay. Well, now he wants to get a better and more up close view. So she gets undressed and up on the table and in it goes and the scope heads into the right direction and I’m staring at the tv screen whispering to no one, “come on baby, be there“. But he wasn’t. Doctor took a freeze frame after just a few seconds and then put everything away, right away. It all happened so fast I didn’t even think about it until last night but I was thinking ” well, why didn’t he measure anything? Why didn’t he even try to find a heartbeat? how come he stopped once he saw the empty yolk that he said was “enlarged”? And why didn’t he say much more than “I’m not really sure but that yolk sac concerns me” and then some bla bla bla I didn’t hear followed by “50 50 chance it can go either way” then on to ordering labs to check her hormones and for us to come back Tuesday?” God is was so fast and so confusing. He asked if she had any questions and she is such a bubble head she looked as though she had no idea what was going on and answered “no”. I’m glad though. Because between the look on his face and the sadness on mine, had she picked up on that I don’t know what I would have done.
So now we wait. We wait and have one more hcg test and then go to the doctor on Tuesday to hear the inevitable. Even though in my heart I know what we are going to hear, I cant say that it isn’t going to completely break me the moment we do. I want to believe I can be strong enough to not break down so that I can be a rock that holds her up, should she be devastated by the news. Guess I just have to get to that place to really know how I will react. Speaking about the thought that my grand child is already with Jesus brings me to tears and a clear understanding of why women are so devastated when they lose their little baby peanuts. One of the many many things I had to learn through all of this.
Man, I’m tired.