This past week has been nothing but tears and uncertainty, also often times referred to as “oh ye with little faith”. In a little more than 24 hours we will work half days at our jobs and then accompany our 22 year old single daughter to her OB appointment. Last week I mentioned having taken the day off and along with my other daughter, we practically skipped to meet the new doctor and see our little baby peanut, only to find out something was wrong and we would have to wait until next Tuesday to hear what it was. It makes for some awfully long days of wondering, worrying, crying, googling and trying to solve the mystery that is before us, all of which are things our fleshly stupid selves make our responsibility instead of remembering and resting in the knowledge that God knows and that’s good enough.
Sometimes I cant believe how stupid I can be when I try to solve a problem I have no business even trying to butt into. It was even so bad one night, I couldnt sleep and I had been researching and reading baby message boards to the point that my eyes were just so blurry it was stupid to even continue to try to make out the words that I had continually been reading over and over and over again. SO I decided to tell God what I thought he should do in this situation. I knew ultimately, what the sonogram results were probably going to be and because I knew, I felt like God needed to hear what I thought would be the best way to deal with what was to come. In the midst of my speech to Him, I shouldn’t even say in the midst because I think I got like four words out before I hear that voice in my head that is talking at the same time as I am so I KNOW it cant be me because the things it’s saying are NOT what I want to hear said to me.
Shannon. Do you honestly think that the way I have chosen to play this situation out is the wrong way? Have you really gotten to a place where you could really say to me, ” I think having her “drop” the baby before her appointment while she is with us and avoid having to go through the D&C” is a better plan then I already have? Do you think that I don’t know what is best for her? Have you really such little faith in me during this situation?
Well I guess I did. And I guess I needed to be put in my place and just shut down my thoughts because once I heard that, I was able to finally just sleep. What more could I possibly say at that point? What good would it do me to ask The Lord to do it MY way when He clearly suggests I have faith in His? No good. Not even a little. So I am in a situation where I have to live by the faith I claim I have and wait the excruciating 5 more days until we get our answer. It hasn’t been easy either. Between the tearful meltdowns and our daughters complete obliviousness to what is happening, none of us could think straight at all. What was worse, it seemed like everything we tried to do or anything we tried to get done would fall through or some ridiculous circumstance would arise that would prevent it. That is when I began to shake my fists at God and just be pissed. That was when I decided to just shut down and that was when the ugly old feelings began to creep back into my spirit. I started to regret having denied myself in order to be supportive of this girl. I started to have remorse about having told her if she got a job she would be welcome to move into our house to raise the baby. I was angry at my husband for letting me even THINK such things even when he was completely blown away that I was even suggesting them after having been so full of hatred for this girl for so long. I woke up this morning just completely pissed at all of this, and I tried several times to blog about what I was feeling and couldn’t get a word out that didn’t make me sound like the total jackass I had become.
We get in the car, my 12 year old son and I, to go to school and work and the radio was already on and Pastor James MacDonald was in the middle of a sentence that went something like,
I do believe that babies of any age, whether they are born or they are still in their mama’s womb and they die, that they do go to heaven.
He went on to talk about how not everyone believes that and when he said that, my son piped in “But babies DO go to heaven! They haven’t been given a chance to hear the Truth, so they get to go to heaven”. I didn’t say a word and continued to listen to the sermon and he spoke about David and how he had lost his son.
20 Then David got up from the floor, washed himself, put lotions on, and changed his clothes. Then he went into the Lord’s house to worship. After that, he went home and asked for something to eat. His servants gave him some food, and he ate.
21 David’s servants said to him, “Why are you doing this? When the baby was still alive, you fasted and you cried. Now that the baby is dead, you get up and eat food.”
22 David said, “While the baby was still alive, I fasted, and I cried. I thought, ‘Who knows? Maybe the Lord will feel sorry for me and let the baby live.’ 23 But now that the baby is dead, why should I fast? I can’t bring him back to life. Someday I will go to him, but he cannot come back to me.”
Ethan and I had already arrived at his school when the sermon ended on that note and he didn’t get out of the car to be with his friends waiting for him. He sat there and listened when James MacDonald said that David had faith that he would see his son again one day in Heaven when he himself died and got there also. We prayed real quick and he walked off, and I began to weep. I knew that those words, that scripture, came across the radio at that specific time so that our little son could hear Gods Word about babies who die and go to heaven, because tomorrow he was going to have to experience that heartache. I was so thankful for that moment in the car, I was so thankful that I have a Father in heaven that watches out for my own children when I fall short in different areas. That He loves Ethan so much that through His divinity, he made a way for Himself to be revealed to Ethan so that Ethan would know without a doubt, his baby nephew or niece was with Jesus and that’s why they couldn’t be with us in September. And after I was done weeping in gratitude that The Lord covered my son when I failed to pray and ask that He would, it hit me that this was also a confirmation of what was to come, and I began to straight up ugly face cry about that all the way to work.
What a confusing, emotional time this is!!! Ugghh I am SO sick of crying already!! I know that tomorrow will bring many more tears, but I am glad that this baby brought us together as a solid family unit so that we can cry them together and support each other in a way we have never ever done since the day we met. And if this babys purpose was to bring us all together the way that we have, I am thankful for every shed tear. I am thankful for every day we waited with aching hearts. And I am thankful that I will one day be able to look that peanut in the face and say thank you for helping restore our family.