the struggle is real

I am not exactly sure when, as I’m not the quintessential reformed Christian addict who remembers the EXACT day when she finally decided to pull her head out of her butt and stop self medicating, but some time a couple of years ago I DID finally decide to pull my head out of my own butt and stop self medicating. I was tired. My kidneys and liver were damaged and after BEGGING God to show me what was already in front of my face, I opened my eyes and my heart and finally saw how desperately I needed Him. Since then, I have been absolutely terrified, angry and completely against going to see a doctor for any reason. I do not trust them to NOT decide to medicate me for the self diagnosed auto immune issues I have had since cleaning up my act and truth be told I do not trust myself to deny any narcotics offered to me.

Upon becoming free from drugs I then began to accept the bipolar diagnosis I had denied for my entire life and work with a psychiatrist to get proper treatment and medication. Once that was on it’s way and I was beginning to feel normal for the first time in my life, I then began cleaning up my body. I started juicing and eating clean and when the weight began to fall off I eventually began exercising. I even walked my first 5k which I would have NEVER imagined I would ever do in my entire life. When I hit a 40 pound weight loss in less than a year and I was feeling the best I have ever felt in my entire life, it was like something in my body flicked a switch and suddenly exercising was becoming more of an unpleasant physical pain than that good kind that makes you feel wonderful after a good work out.

My joints began to hurt to the point where I couldn’t hardly walk, my ankles swelled to cankles, my nodes began to swell, the migraine headaches, sleepless nights and just over all feeling of DOG CRAP put me into such a depression that I just couldn’t possibly give one crap about taking care of myself. I mean, what for? So I could be completely discouraged whenever i TRIED to exercise?  So I could feel like a complete failure when people would tell me you can do it, it’s normal to hurt even though I KNEW that I couldn’t do it and what I was feeling was NOT at all normal? I would cry myself to sleep(if I could finally fall asleep) at night because I was so discouraged that this wasn’t working out for me anymore, it wasn’t worth the pain and feeling like garbage and almost as easily as the weight was lost it began to be found and I gained almost half of it back, but I REFUSE to see a doctor.

I went to a holistic doctor who read my eyes and told me every single thing that I was experiencing almost to the T. It was crazy. Of course, then they recommend all sorts of herbs, oils and craziness that will ultimately suck  your entire paycheck dry on a monthly basis and I knew that even though all that sounded fabulous, I couldn’t afford it financially. I hate that it is more expensive to be healthy than to be a complete wreck of a human. Luckily for me I have a mother who taught me how awesome it is to be THRIFTY,and after seeing a photo of myself starting to take on my old fat form I was able to get back on track, lose that weight again, and then come back to the place where I truly believe I would rather be healthy than be fat. Now,  that healthy for ME could not be compared with what everyone else was doing to get themselves healthy, especially with the new year and all those resolutions to not be fat anymore. I will not beat myself up mentally for not being able to do the boot-camps and the extreme work outs that other people can, because other people don’t have my body. They don’t have my pain, my sickness or my mental illness and I refuse to compare myself to any of them anymore. I’ve done enough research about auto immune illnesses and so I know what my diet needs to consist of, what supplements I need to take and I’ve been using essential oils for pain management, sanity and overall well being and it’s all been working out rather well.

Maybe that is just the way it is going to be for me. Maybe I will always have those seasons of neglect when I will fall back into bad habits and then start to feel so disgusting physically that I get back up and start all over. I mean, that IS what addicts do after all. I do know this  much. I do know that no matter how bad or good it gets, I will always long for the day when I don’t have to deal with any of this anymore. When every bit about me will be restored and I will be completely free from the damage I have done to my body as well as the quirks that have damaged me since birth. That the promises from God will be fulfilled in my body and there will be a day that I never have to feel ugly, fat, crazy, confused, depressed, sick, hot, exhausted, manic and out of place ever again. And that is what makes every bit of this struggle worth the trouble. Now excuse me while I go suck down this bottle of Organic Apple Cider Vinegar(with the mother of course) water and molasses.


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