Yesterday when I was sitting in the OBGYN office with my step daughter waiting for her doctor to come and tell us what the next step in the miscarriage process is, a lovely lady from church had posted an adorable photo of an ultrasound with the silhouette of a beautiful itty bitty baby and a onesie announcing their pregnancy. I hated the emotions that came over me at that moment. I hated that my initial reaction was my heart falling to my stomach and a ting of anger coming over me and not because they were pregnant either. I hate even confessing such a feeling even more than I hate that I had it. And once it subsided, I put that energy of negative emotion toward the feeling of joy in that while my grandchild was lost, a new fabulous life was created for people who should become the latest and greatest parents in America. I am SO happy for them.
I am really struggling with the way my stepdaughter is dealing with this situation SHE has put us all in, mostly because she isn’t dealing with it at all. And maybe I am upset that she isn’t dealing with it the way that I think she should and I should probably get over myself. But upon finding out she would be scheduled for a D&C on Friday, her reaction was so completely…. I don’t even know how to explain what it was. Absurd comes to mind. Moronic. Selfish. Ridiculous. She was mad because it would be ruining her plans to have her black hair bleached out so she could dye it gray for her date on Saturday. I cant even tell you how many times I have facepalmed myself. I seriously can not wrap my head around the fact that she would rather go on a date with a new boy on Valentines Day then take the time to have the deceased fetus removed from her body. That miscarrying a child, MY grandchild, is an inconvenience to her special Valentines Day plans. I suppose I am being selfish for expecting her to give half a crap, who knows. Perhaps I am giving her more credit as a functioning human being to have some sort of remorseful emotion and not relief and joy about losing a child that she didn’t necessarily want.
I see all the answers in my confusing questions in the words that I write, I just don’t want to accept them I guess. And while I know that God knows what the outcome of this whole thing would have been had this baby been brought to term and born, and even in the back of my mind I know it would be terribly terribly awful and difficult for my husband and I. And that the resentment I feel about her nonchalant attitude now would be astronomically intensified later, I almost feel a little disobedient for not trusting Him. I see that this situation isn’t just about her stupidity or about reconciling our family, which has been the best part of it all. We have never been such a solid family unit, not ever so that part is awesome and I am SO blessed. I guess I don’t like being put into a position of having the Lord work on ME because someone else screwed up in life.
I just laughed out loud.
I have said all along that I feel like God is teaching me to trust Him and I just keep telling Him how I think things should go anyway. It appears as though I am “that control freak that needs to shut up and listen” as Pastor Chris said in the message on Sunday. Imagine that. Even still, I am sad. I’m sad for so many reasons that I maybe shouldn’t be. And I guess I don’t know how to just let it go and move on like my husband does. I probably also shouldn’t get mad when he tells me not to stress out about all of this either, because after writing all of this and proof reading it again, I see that I am getting pissed at him for doing to me exactly what I am to his daughter.
Well isn’t that just a kick in the head. I should stop talking now.