Two

one of the key points that really stuck out at service last night was the emphasis on us to be still. Be still he says. Things haven’t been still one second this year and here is this respectable pastor talking about be still. 

Holding back the tears.

I lay down to go to sleep and can’t of course, so I decide a review of GOT sounds like a good idea and as I’m laying there watching it and for whatever reason my bra is killing me! I am so uncomfortable and decide to take it off and I checked to see if those nodes had grown or multiplied and I find my left breast just doesn’t feel right.

Holding back the tears again.

it is swollen. It is sore. It feels NOTHING like it’s sister. It has lumps and bumps and just isn’t right and I know it. It’s on the same side as the other nodes. It’s the sMe side that my ankle is damaged. I start to cry out to God trying to convince myself that I know He is in control and He knows what the problem is even if I don’t. I’m not scared. I’m not mad. I’m inconvenienced. Perhaps that isn’t the attitude I’m suppose to have, I don’t know? Who gets to say how any woman is suppose to react when she feels lumps in her body and knows that it could be nothing, but it can also very much be something.

Crying.

I dreamt all night about my dr appointment I have on Monday and how she did ultrasounds and blood tests and ended up telling me right away that there were cancer cells. Take them off then. I don’t need them and I already have body image issues so it will make ZERO difference to me how much more deformed I am, get these infectious fat bags off of me!!

Dreams are so ridiculous and when I was awaken at 4am by a call from my step daughter saying she was in excruciating pain again(she went to ER and is awaiting surgery now) I immediately remembered what I had been dreaming about and felt the soreness and went to feel and see if perhaps I was dreaming this was happening only to find out I wasnt.

In true Shann form I imagine the worst, so than that way if they give me horrible news it won’t phase me(or so I like to think). Part of me wants to call the dr office and see if there are any openings because I don’t want to wait until Monday. But now that my stepdaughter is having her issues and I have a meeting at work and dinner Friday night for my brother in laws birthday  I feel like it would be an inconvenience to everyone and they will think I’m being ridiculous by not waiting.

Perhaps that is my problem.  Who knows.

Be still he says.

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2 thoughts on “Two

  1. My goodness…could you get a break once in awhile? I sure hope your step daughter’s condition gets better. And that you will get good news too. It’s about time for something good to come your way.

    • I think last year was so awesome, actually the last few we have been very fortunate and blessed, that somehow it’s just “our turn”. We will be stretched, we will be broken, pruned and come out with new and healthy growth.

      I hope haha

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