As with pretty much everything in our lives these days, nothing we had planned today is happening and I am sitting in a hair salon dancing in my head to Enola Gay waiting for my turn to get groomed. It’s been a very long time since I had someone really cut and style my hair and I should just shut up my attitude about being able to have filled my nieces appointment she had to miss due to softball and appreciate this time, but I’m not. The husband got called to go take care of his daughter who is still recovering from the D&C she had the other day and we were supposed to attend an event at church that’s not going to happen because of it. It’s just really been a time to not assume anything will be how we planned for it to be right now and the fact that it smells like a poopy baby diaper all of a sudden in here just puts everything into perfect perspective.

I am fixated on my upcoming appointment Monday and the conversations preceding it that I have been having with my husband. While I’m not being a worry wart I have admitted to him that due to what I am being seen for I am going into this expecting the worst case seniero so that if/when they tell me otherwise I can breathe relief instead of assuming it’s nothing and finding out the worst. It’s just how I would rather approach this and it’s not a reflection on any lack of faith or hope in Christ but rather I know, with all faith and assurance that He has already laid this all out and He will be the reason we get through it all.

We discussed outcomes and how I am imagining I would like to handle them and we agreed on just about everything. It’s funny how things play out in life, the last year or so I have walked with a friend going through chemo and radiation and had always said “there is no way I would ever choose that treatment” because I’ve seen her go from just being in some pain from the mass she had in her groin to being completely unwell consistently since she began treatments.

I also mentioned to him that with the miscarriage his daughter just had and having walked along side of her through it and constantly reminding her that “God created our bodies with such thought and complexity that when something isn’t going right, it knows how to deal with it”. Her body recognized that her egg and his sperm weren’t compatible when the development went wonky, and it stopped the development from progressing any further. I said to James “as many times as I used that truth to remind her how perfectly thought out we were when God designed us, maybe in the same sense I need to remind myself that these swollen nodes, created to fight off things that just aren’t right, are Gods way of showing His hand in this too. That my body has popped up signs and lumps to let me know something isn’t right and we have the ability to find out what it is and get it taken care of.”

It’s absolutely ridiculous that we are even talking about this I’m sure and I don’t doubt people think I’m totally jumping to conclusions and that’s okay. I’ve done the research. I know what the possibilities are. Yet I have total peace that whatever happens I have the support of my best friend and we have a plan should we need it and a God who will carry us through.

I couldn’t possibly be any more ready.


2 thoughts on “Four

  1. I hope these strange lumps are just a way to get your attention to take better care of yourself. I’m hopeful that the exam shows nothing to worry about. Keeping you in my thoughts tomorrow.

  2. I am catching up on your blog today and, even though I glimpsed a happy outcome before I scrolled down to where I last read, I want to tell you that you are not being silly or ridiculous or a worrywart in how you are reacting to this. These things always shake us up a bit, but you’ve handled it well. I had those same talks with my husband about outcomes and strategies when I had a growth on my thyroid several years ago. I don’t go in expecting the worst, or the best outcomes. I don’t do much Googling, either. I always wait for the test results and diagnosis before I get too worked up about things, but it’s hard not to think about the possible outcomes.

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