Fifteen

the number of times I tried and failed to come up with something to write about today.

My thoughts are just too many, too scrambled, too vulgar and too angry to express publicly without completely blowing my witness. Of course, in moderation and with some substance, they could be used to show that even the most saved Christian woman drops an  F bomb when they think no one can hear them. I am completely fucking crazy right now. I have a mental illness that makes me scream inside my head and no one else can hear it but me. It’s very loud and sounds a little like what it would sound like if you were chewing on glass. My thoughts are racing and my dreams are nightmares that I cant seem to forget I’ve had. I hate this part of the disease. It’s hard to “fake it”. It’s exhausting trying to act completely different than how I feel inside, and I cant talk to anyone about it because then they bug me and want to try to fix it.

You cant.

you cant fix this. It just has to pass.. It just has to run its course… and it will.

I have to not speak or I ramble, not move because I shake, and not look anyone in the eyes because they will be able to see the crazy through my eyes. I hate this part.

Lord let this mania be short lived and uneventful for the sake of everyone who crosses my path…. I pray that I wouldn’t use this time to be foolish, but that I would continue to honor you in spite of all of this that I can’t control. I know that you have created me with great intent and that in spite of this sickness, you love me. For that I am thankful and anticipate the day when this is no longer an issue or even a memory.

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