This morning I fumbled out of bed so I could begin my motherly, wifely, farm maidenly duties. With phone in hand I noticed this hot mess of a figure(also my filthy bedroom and bathroom sink which I will get to later) in the dirty mirrors reflection, and laughed.
It always amuses me what a twisted mess I am when I wake up in the morning, and I’ve never had any shame providing photographic evidence of this amusement. I wish I could have captured the imagery that my wake and bake neighbor behind us witnessed. With my red flannel pj bottoms I wore an oversized turquoise hoodie, black and white striped fuzzy socks and purple flip flops out to the hen house to make sure they had food, water and to scare the damn birds away OMG the stupid birds!!! I’m almost more annoyed with the birds then I am with the mice that keep outsmarting us.
With the revelation of my hot messiness, for whatever reason I decided that I wasn’t going to give half a crap what anyone thought about me anymore. I was going to be secure with my appearance today! I wasn’t going to think about whether or not anyone noticed the flaws I tear myself up about, I was going to wear clothes that were comfortable yet in my fashionable ignorance, also stylish.
I was tired of caring. Tired of concerning myself with what anyone thinks about me, I mean why should I care, really? My appearance should matter only to my husband, and I suppose to my son as to not embarrass him by dressing 20 years less my age and true size of course. I don’t know why I’ve exhausted myself with worry and even more confusing, I don’t know WHY I hadn’t decided this long ago???
The funny thing is, I saw this girl walk past me yesterday, no big deal I carried on with whatever it was I was doing. Suddenly it occurred to me that I looked at her, and saw her as a really short girl with long pretty hair. Yeah, she was a bigger girl for her height and she had a nice smile, her make up was pretty I saw this girl I didn’t know, had never seen before, and didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t judge her negatively in my mind, I didn’t frown on her size, and it didn’t even bother me that her white shirt was fitted and she had quite the figure that white isn’t really flattering on. But before you think “well you ARE kinda judging her” let me explain myself.
I saw her, with all her imperfections and beauty and thought nothing of it. Knowing the way my own thoughts about myself would have been if I were the one waking by, I would swear that EVERYONE was looking at my fat rolls through my fitted white shirt that for whatever reason I thought was a good idea to wear that day, and not just a girl walking by not giving anything a second thought. Having seen her and not judged her negatively in my own mind why would I assume anyone that looks at me tears apart my perfection a when I pass them by?
and if they do, they better not let me catch them doing it because then I can’t justify what happens to them when I do.
I felt so empowered this morning when I considered all these things!! It was so freeing and I was so excited about putting forth this new attitude! My head up, shoulders back and peace in my heart and mind. I was filled with such relief not having a care in the world what ANYONE was or wasn’t going to be thinking about me ever again.
It was the best ten minutes I’ve ever had.