I feel like I have a thousand butterflies in my guts today and my crazy eyes and rambling mind are making it very clear hypo-mania has hit home for this girl. The only time it feels difficult to handle is when I don’t have anything to keep me busy and focused yet it always seems like I have a cake to work on at those moments, so it’s all good. I mostly wanted to mention it for my own records should I need to go back some day.
I was thinking this morning about a couple of instances that I have had with “new” friends like from church or whatever, people who didn’t know me before 5 years ago. When you just see someone in passing and the extent of your knowledge of them is just a hi and a hug between services and in my case, the ridiculous honest brutality I post on facebook, it’s easy to imagine who you think that person is. You probably think the best of them just by looking at them, she’s funny, shes really honest and tells it like it is, they’ve been married for a while, they have older daughters, their son is adorable, they have their crap together with the exception of that whole blended family mess but hey, no one is perfect. They come to church together every Sunday, they look happy, they seem like they get along and everything is good, whatever she makes good cupcakes so she’s awesome. I know that I try to assume the best about the people I meet until or unless I know for a fact otherwise(or if they are a total stuck up hag and that’s when i assume they are probably just insecure).
So when I see the looks of disbelief on the faces of people who take more time than passing between services to get to know me, enough time for me to answer a question honestly or give an opinion about something, or even tell them in conversation something about myself they more than likely didn’t know, their eyes look bigger and even crazier than mine do right now!! People literally take a step back, sigh in relief, and once someone hugged me while jumping up and down because they were SO happy to hear I was just as f’kd up as they were. I’m not exaggerating either. I am sure that my honesty can also be used against me and I am positive that there are people who want NOTHING to do with it, she’s a risk, she’s too edgy, she is ignorant, she will get us into trouble with so and so, I mean, I can just imagine what the flip side of that is, and rightly so I guess.
It’s all a part of the whole package and there is very little left to the imagination with me. I have come so far and from so much that I feel like it’s totally unfair to allow anyone to assume I just have it all together based on who they see or who they think I am. I’m glad they didn’t know me back in the day because I think even those people, no matter how amazed they are with the change in me, in the back of their heads remember what a friggn bitch I was and thank God she isnt THAT girl anymore. I often times wish I could make ammends with EVERYONE who remembers that about me, but I cant. I can however, be completely honest about Who, Jesus Christ, brought me to the place that I am now and has transformed me into the woman I am today, and continues to do a work in me. And if this place is too uncomfortable and sketchy for people now, then it’s probably okay for them to not get too close to this mess and I wont begrudge them should they choose to.
I’m not stressing about caring what people think anymore remember?!?!??!
It’s a movement, and it’s empowering, and I am about as thankful for it as I am the squatty potty I got for Christmas. Movements are good.