I had a very challenging day yesterday and there were an array of reasons to trigger a meltdown and I’m sitting here today, listening to the Angel game on SiriusXM since they are playing in Toronto, reflecting. It’s at these moments of realization when I see clearly the work the Lord is doing in me, especially when most of the time I feel like a completely hopeless disaster. I like these moments and I appreciate them regardless of how few and far between they may be. I thought it would be a good idea to record the things that could have been disastrous, and where better than here for just about ANYONE to read.
- As we study the book of Matthew, in Chapter 6 the message went into anxiety and fear both of which are emotions not brought on by the Holy Spirit and both of which are ultimately a reflection of our faith. Now, in the past whenever I would hear “anxiety and lack of faith” combined in a sentence I would immediately become irate. I would take offense and go on about how that cant apply to everyone, the church needs to be a bit more careful about preaching that, and in particular I was SUPER pissed at Mark Driscoll for suggesting it because I really like him and it hurt my heart to hear his lack of understanding of mental illness. Yesterday however, when it was spoken of it never even crossed my mind that it should apply to those times of mental anxiety when I just get rushed with whatever it is in my brain that causes irrationality. I thought of it probably just like anyone else did and that was being anxious about things in life, money, home, school, kids, situations where it is detrimental for your faith in Jesus to be at rest because we are confident He will get this all sorted out. Coincidentally I am also learning about this is my womens Hebrews study, which is also very helpful yay.
- We left church knowing we would have to return later for a class and with the small window between events we attempted to get in our grocery shopping but there was just not enough time. We were hungry and I got this stupid idea to go check out the new Pieology in town and that’s when we found out so did the rest of the world. I was flustered prior to entering the crowded establishment because there was some confusion about which class we were taking yesterday and when there wasn’t anywhere to sit let alone stand, hearing the husband say “just breathe” was oddly comforting. He was cool with getting our food to go and we ate at home together and I was able to lay down for a few minutes before heading off to the next event that I would have NEVER thought I would EVER do.
- Church Membership Class. What can I even say about this except “But God”. I would have totally had an anxiety attack on the way to this class yesterday, but God. I would have had a migraine from all the stress leading up to the dread I felt about taking this step, but God. I could have easily had a blow out with a woman in the class who, unbeknownst to me ended up being the same woman the day before I had verbally rebuked over some choice implications she made about our church on a blog site, But God.
If someone could never be convinced there is a God except through having known me at a younger age and the irrational mess I could flip out into and knowing me now, seeing the rational woman I have become because of my faith in Christ and having the loving and tender fullness of the Holy Spirit that sustains me in those moments, it would not surprise me. It might be the ONLY THING that serves as a witness to people that I know because lets face it, the rest of me is still quite the mess. I havent a clue what God has in store for this next phase of our lives except that I do know having made a commitment to our church and solidifying our intentions to them and for them, I have a feeling the possibilities are close to endless.
Not even that will cause me to flinch, because God.