I will never understand depression.
I will probably never research the dynamics and malfunctions of the brain that cause these flip flops of mine and I am grateful that most of the time I am either manic or hypo-manic and rarely depressed. Unfortunately this is one of those times where whatever is happening in my brain is affecting my tear ducts to over react. It also causes my heart to mourn and coincidentally my body to ache. I am so much physical pain right now and I don’t know that there are any facts to back up manic depression and chronic pain being related, and I am too lazy to look into it, but I hurt. I want to lay in a bathtub of Epson salts for hours and then when I’m out of that bath I want to have a tub of it at the foot of my desk to soak my feet in all day long, I hurt that bad.
I can only imagine people who, most of the time enjoy reading my posts, must be thinking when I am in this type of way . How annoyed are they to read my redundant complaints, again? I wonder if I should set a disclaimer that “Negative, repetitive, complainant posts about my failing health, stiff joints, and aching muscles are this weeks topics.. filter as needed” or something stupid like that. I don’t want to have to 1. apologize for openly speaking about the pain I am in because it’s just as much a part of who I am on a daily basis as it is when I feel fantastic and how fake and unrealistic would it be for me to ONLY speak of the good times *cough* like some people and 2. worry about whether or not my “friends” are rolling their eyes every time they see a post about my misery and then following that up with a conversation with mutual “friends” about “Did you see she is complaining about this again” because screw you.
I cant put myself into a position where I am writing in order to keep an audience entertained. I did that for SO long and it began unintentionally on Xanga where I am posting about real talk and realize there are actually a community of other people interested in what I am saying who are now also writing about themselves in an effort to get “the most recognition” and “be featured on the front page”. An adult popularity contest based on how transparent you choose to be by exploiting yourself, it’s too much pressure. Read it or don’t, I cant give a shit anymore and I am doing okay working through getting past concerning myself with who is reading and what they are thinking though it IS a process I will not lie. But there is that saying, and perhaps it’s just in the circles of the ladies, about “if your friends are talking about someone else to you, you can guarantee they are talking about you to everyone else” and I hate that saying. I only have ONE go to friend who I talk to about everyone and about everything to and I don’t talk crap about her to anyone in return, it’s not my style anymore. Anymore haha. I can only attest to my own actions regarding that quote and although I am all too often more naive about people and their vile vindictiveness and assume EVERYONE is as awesome as I am and isn’t a big fat gossip I know that is about as true as the Easter bunny hiding baskets of chocolate eggs on Resurrection Sunday. Also, being a little skinny gossip is just as bad as being a big fat one tomato/tomatoe
All of this to say, I’m in a funk and it is ugly and I have NO intention of putting on a happy face when I am dying inside. I am crying for no good reason, unless you think the group moderator venting about some idiot in “the Calzone” at Angels stadium and deleting your fabulous post about having sat in “the Calzone” because “the Calzone” shouldn’t even be “a thing” is reason to cry. I am in horrible physical pain and I have no intention of trying to walk like I’m not because that hurts worse. I have no control over my tears right now and I have no intentions on hiding my face behind sun glasses or some other ridiculous front as to not give the impression everything is perfect because it’s not and if someone cant stand to hear about it, the filters available on the internet are almost as awesome as a chocolate craving during PMS being satisfied and you should use them. I am flawed and I am not ashamed that anyone would know this about me. I wont hide it and trust me when I say that I have improved my abilities to articulate my flaws through my words and actions tremendously, ask anyone who has known me or read my blogs for more than the last 5 years. I anticipate continuing to improve at such things and not for anyone to approve of me because lets face it, not everyone is ever going to think everyone is good enough and that is fine. I will improve as a testament of Jesus amazing grace on me and the healing power of the Holy Spirit in me, working on the change in my heart and the ability to work through the torment of my mind and not of my own abilities. I will give glory to God for the transformation I have been able to make that is only because of Him. And I will never be a Christian who pretends to have all my shit together in my perfect little life bubble who never says anything wrong, who is ever too far gone, who never pushes myself off the cliff of social acceptance just to impress the elders or the haters(I’m not sure which are worse at times) because if I had it all together I wouldn’t need Jesus, and I need Him badly and unapologetically.
And this is another reason why I chose to not go into youth ministry with my husband.