im sitting here crying like a big baby over the stupidest crap and NO! It’s not because my Angels are being scalped by the Indians losing AGAIN either. Although that is a pretty good reason to cry I must say. Sitting through this many losses is depressing and is making my decision to forego attending the freeway series on Labor Day that much easier. Something about paying $200 to be mocked by arrogant Dodger fans when I can watch my team lose at home and NOT hear any of it just doesn’t sound like a way I want to spend that money.
But today I’m feeling sorry for myself becausey Facebook newsfeed is loaded with photos upon photos of huge groups of people I know that all went to a concert yesterday and had an absolute blast. This shouldn’t upset me. I don’t even hang out with these people. We all know each other, we all talk on Facebook but really that’s about the extent of it and that’s fine.
I think where it hurts the most is because I can’t help but wonder if I still partied and enjoyed being around people who did, maybe I would be one of those inebriated faces in those photos with profile statuses about how crazy the night was and how much fun we had. I had a very nice day yesterday and it was completely opposite from anything I’ve seen posted today and that isn’t even to suggest I wasn’t satisfied with how lovely a time we had hanging out with a few special friends and a baby.
It’s just sometimes, as a Christian who has been reformed of mind and heart and doesn’t see getting wasted and living the way that I use to when I didn’t honor God with my weekend choices, I get this small tinge of jealousy when I see how much fun people who do choose to live for the next hungover Sunday have, especially people who I am acquainted with. And I’m not “judging them” either. I am the one who chooses to live the way I do and it hasn’t anything to do with anyone but me and Jesus. Just, in all honesty sometimes living apart from “everyone else” can be awfully lonely.
And so I sit here on Sunday morning and cry. Which probably all could have been avoided had I just went to church instead so ultimately I have no one to blame but myself so I should just shut up now. But you know what it’s true, and far be it for me to not be honest with anyone reading this right now.
Sometimes it is lonely being a Christian in this life and being one who decides to live like one even on the weekends, even if everyone else isn’t. It’s not to say my choices are regrettable because I couldn’t imagine my life apart from Christ ever again. And I don’t believe this choice to not go see Kid Rock and Foreigner and have tailgating parties with the rest of the high desert is anything similar to the sacrifice that was made for me on the cross. I guess I am just sitting in a moment of reality that I AM called to be different and that is new to me and today, for whatever reason it kind of sucks.