A couple of years ago I was able to juice off nearly 50 pounds until I injured myself God knows how, and had to stop walking and began an immobile life again. It’s crazy how once you become an injured immobile person suddenly the desire to not eat yourself back into the 50 pound person you once were becomes a distant memory.
I have managed to gain back half of the weight I lost and I asked my husband for a Fitbit last Christmas and he obliged. My thought was that I would force accountability into my daily life and track my food, water and movements and perhaps it would help encourage me to work on losing that weight again.
I have gained 5 pounds since I began using the fitbit.
Not only that, but I am so damned obsessive about every thing I even THINK about putting into my mouth it’s disturbing. I dont know how this stupid pressure to not be fat all of a sudden came from and I swear to everything I was SO much happier when I didn’t give a crap what I looked like.
I liked how easy it was to shop for clothes in the plus sized section because I never really needed to try anything on, it just fit. Being smaller than I was, it takes a tremendous amount of effort to buy clothing because not everything in my sized pants ever fits the same, it’s a horrible horrible industry for insecure people. I liked eating whatever I wanted, especially with the husband and my son. Now, the husband brings home these damned blooming onions because Nascar has a driver for Outback Steakhouse and if he makes it in the top 10 you can get a free one, god forbid the husband pass up something free let alone delicious horrible food, and I have like NO self control and simply can not walk past it like it isn’t even there. In turn I am pissed at him for even bringing it home and contributing to my unhealthy habits. I purposely refuse pain medication when I need it. I dont go to parties that could possibly have alcohol or drugs I like when I really want to go and there are various other things that I simply can not flirt with having in my life because I have issues with self control regarding them, so for him to bring home horrible food almost feels hurtful and mean and really, my own bad habits shouldn’t be made to be HIS responsibility( I guess)
The fitbit has shown me just how bad my issues with food and lack of self control really are, and it’s really depressing. Yesterday I had a really poor food day and I went to bed nearly in tears, plagued with utter disappointment in myself. Today I woke up and made mean greens and my banana smoothie and am determined to try to
starve myself get back on track with my eating and TRY my hardest to lose this stupid weight again. I will probably fail. Not because I want to but because I have problems. I want to not care about myself and eat myself into sweatpants again, but I will hate myself even worse if I do.
I dont know what to do.