I can always count on your being here when my thoughts are too heavy and overflowing for my brain to contain. I’ve thought about checking in just about every day for the last week and have resisted. I have too much to say and most of it I am learning just needs to stay where it is.
I’m learning a lot these days it seems. The other day I caught myself in a moment where someone said they were going to be doing something and it burned within me a tinge of jealousy. I suddenly snapped out of that vile feeling and realized that what they are going to go do is something that I would never do, I would never dream of doing it because it sounds like the worst idea ever, it’s not how I would spend my time and I should have NO reason to feel ugly about what they are choosing to do just because it doesn’t include me.
I can be okay with people doing the things I would never do even if they aren’t doing them with me.
I know it seems like such a silly little thing but it’s something that I have been working diligently on over coming and it’s taken me a long time to get this far. Usually I’m crying in a fit of rage which seems completely uncalled for and I cant make it make sense to anyone, it just is. I felt really good about letting that ugly go as quickly as I did.
I think that’s about it for today.
It’s been 4 years since my friend Joe died.
Feels like it was much longer than that.