I know I said last I wrote, that I was planning on waiting until AFTER the election to meltdown and I truly intended to stick with the plan. Maybe it was the change in time or just my mind messing with me but there was something that caused me to wake up with severe anxiety on Sunday morning followed by a full blown break down. I cried and cried and battled feelings that I KNOW aren’t true and as much as I tried to get it together and continue to get ready for church I just could not make the tears stop.
I keep remembering all the times I had reluctantly said during our community group during prayers and praise reports, that I had very little to personally ask for prayer for and followed it up with “I know I probably shouldn’t even say that because we have been SO fortunate to have not been tried and stretched for a while“. I said that more than once and I think back now and want to kick myself as we’re entering the third full week of my husband being unemployed (thats the big secret). Now, I knew when I went to get the biopsies done on some questionable moles that there was a chance he would be laid off on the 15th due to the contract expiring and not being renewed at the base, which also meant that I would probably lose my insurance at the end of October, but I needed to get the biopsies done anyway. What I didn’t know was that a week after my health insurance coverage would be lost, I would find out that the mole on my back came back abnormal and that further excision would be necessary.
My immediate reaction was to cry, and I did. And not even because I’m afraid of melanoma (even though my mother just had a malignant mass and lymph nodes removed from her body) I’m not afraid of cancer, fuck cancer. I cry because I question “Why God”. WHY the hell now this? The doctors office said that they don’t take HMO insurance so if I’m able to get it through my employer, it’s not going to matter because I wont even be able to go back there. I will get to go and get my reports from them and go find some idiot primary care doctor and try to get a referral and go through all that bullshit again, THAT is why I cried. We’re less than 24 hours away from a major election that will have an impact on our lives at our local level as well as a national level and my world is just spinning out of control.
Now, having the faith in Jesus that I do, I know that I have absolutely nothing to fear. I have nothing to worry about, I have nothing to even cry over I suppose. But being the stupid Christian that I am, I want to just crawl into bed and cry. Of course, I remember that horrible migraine I ended up getting yesterday afternoon in the middle of Walmartinez and know that if I pick back up today with my faithless cry baby fit I am going to end up right back there again, so I am working on not doing that.
I know this is all under the control of Creator God and we have been through this before and we will get through it again. But that does NOT mean I’m happy about it, not one bit. The husband just got to my office and I have to tell him about my biopsy. This should be interesting.